In Buffy's Eyes
by booth258
Summary: this is a willow-centric fic. what would it be like if willow was chosen for the magics but in a slayer sort of way. she gets a watcher,too but things go wrong when her watcher is killed and it boils down to being buffy/willows' fault.
1. Chapter 1

I stepped down the hallway, I couldn't believe I was actually doing this, it wasn't my way to decieve and lie to my friends, why did I have to do this, why did I feel justified and right in going against giles' wishes and telling buffy I had to get something from my locker when I really didn't, I'd even lied to Xander. Xander was my friend, the only guy I felt I could truly love. I loved Oz, So much..But Oz wasn't xander and he'd never been Xander. I knew I could feel myself falling for Oz, the fact that he was in a band and had been there for me when I'd needed him, but I still gazed upon cordelia, Jealous and upset. She didn't belong in our group..She didn't belong with Xander! Inside i was screaming those words, Buffy didn't even like her. They'd never get along, Plus,Xander and Cordelia? They'd never make it. Cordy was too petty for him, He'd get sick and tired of her and then he'd want something else..Maybe he'd want me. I'd tried but maybe i hadn't tried hard enough. but that was no excuse for what I was doing now. I knew that giles wasn't in the building,He'd told us earlier this morning that he had lunch date with an old friend from England he hadn't seen in acouple of years and that the Library was to be closed all afternoon until he came back but I couldn't resist, for me it was the perfect time, I told myself that i wouldn't get caught, giles was away, Xander and Buffy were eating Lunch and I had the library all to myself, most students would see the sign on the door which red in black marker on a small slip of paper "Library closed for the afternoon", I'd known it was closed but i didn't care, I knew that giles' never locked the library, he thought that he could trust students and especilly me and buffy..Even Xander to stay out of his things and wait until he got back to thumb through things we didn't know about, But I couldn't help it. Giles would never allow me to look at certain books he kept hidden on a top shelf in his office, I knew why he'd put them away, protective of the power that I was putting inside of me everytime I did a new spell, he said that I was strong enough to do magic yet and that I should be careful because Magic isn't something to be messed with, but I thought he was just getting older, he'd forgotten how fun spells could really be..and I wasn't planning on doing anything big..I saw this big leather bound book on that shelf the other day when giles had led us into his office to explain some demon that was rising, he'd wanted buffy to fight it and us to research, he had some books on the middle shelf for us to study, even Xander, he wasn't much with the studying but usually helped anyway. That's when I'd saw the book, with it's big plack leather bound cover and a special sign carved into the front, similiar to a witch cult sign, I'd used it acouple of times, but the both spells hadn't worked, I'd been curious about what was in it. I'd get some stuff from the chemistry lab, it didn't have the things that dangerous spells needed, but I could pull off the most simple things needed, afterall, that's why chemistry was so easy for me, it wasn't much different than magic.

Stepping inside I tried to convince myself that nobody would find out and that nothing bad would happen, Giles was wrong about all the horrible things that would happen if spells and power was misused, sometimes he sounded like a broken record even though I trusted and admired him, sometimes I think he forgets what it's like to be a teenager and experience something amazing, I haven't slept a night since last summer without thinking what I did in that hospital room, giving angel back his soul. I'd felt something powerful go through me, something so powerful that it made me feel stronger, it had even pushed the weak, sick willow out and made me strong, even though my body ached because of getting squished by a book cabinet, but inside I was as strong as a mountain and nothing had changed, I never felt that energy or power leave me, it was inside of me. keeping me powerful and Special, I didn't want to be rid of it, It made me something other than I was, I was even able to do more spell accurately, those spells Giles,buffy,nor Xander knew anything about, it was just between myself, I'd done them in my spare time in my bedroom, once when my father was home he'd smelled incence, he hadn't punished me but I could tell he was bothered, I didn't know why. if he feared me getting into smoking he would've said something, or atleast I thought. But my parents were rarely home so it made it easier to do whatever I wanted, even if Giles or Buffy..Maybe even Xander dissapproved, what did he care what I did...He had cordelia?! I sneered at the thought of cordelia, I tried to be nice to her..but being nice to Cordelia was easier said than done, especially when she was only being my friend because she was dating Xander, I knew that if they broke up tomorrow, it would go back to the way it was, with cordelia making fun of us every second, she wouldn't lose a nights' sleep over how I felt, so I shouldn't do the same with her. Afterall, All she cared about was her looks and her daddy's money..and maybe now,xander..

Stepping inside I saw the tables and chairs all neat and tidy, nothing left on the table, giles had even taken most of the books he normally kept cluttered on the front desk in the library away, I figured he was afraid that some "Normal", student would come in and see something that belonged to himself from the watchers' council or to buffy and ofcourse, stuff like that was unsafe with anybody other than himself and buffy, I knew that he didn't completely trust me and Xander with it, everytime he saw me near a spell book or doing a spell to help buffy, doing a good thing. it was as if he was reading me with his eyes, I could tell that he hadn't liked my fascination for my magic, Afterall, After I'd gotten hurt last summer he'd put most of the spell books and the covens' informational volumes up on a high shelf in his office as if he thought that if he kept all dangerous material away, I'd forgot and move on to something else that interested me, I never wanted to be free of spells, I felt so powerful now. Maybe it wasn't what I'd done, that dangerous and powerful spell that even giles had felt unsure of me doing, I'd pushed the situation on them and they knew that they couldn't deny me that time, Afterall, if I hadn't have helped, it could've been the end of the world, I'd been there last hope..But giles was so powerful, he'd raised a demon..created his own demon..Did things he wouldn't talk to me about in his Ripper Days, yet that spell was beyond him, i didn't buy it, I thought there was another reason, there had to be.

I felt intrigued to go through every drawer, every last peice of information that giles' owned, quite curious as to things that not even buffy knew about giles, but i wasn't like that. I wouldn't invade his personal and private space, things that he didn't want us to know about his past, information that he had that was personal, all I wanted were the books that I was forbidden, I didn't want informational volumes , I wanted spells that I could try, somethign inside of yearned, pushing me towards spellbooks,mystical crystals,and ofcourse the magic box..and sometimes late at night I could swear I heard a voice, an unfamiliar, dark voice..as if it was mine,yet not. it had sounded so dark and mysterious in my delirium I had called it a figment of my imagination, I had been dreaming. but that voice within me would tell me that I needed this. I had to do spells and feel this power and the thing I didn't understand, the voice inside became like a person and I fed my innerself what it yearned for, what it wanted. But I'd never tell Giles or buffy that and me and Xander didn't really talk about the spells I did or anything like that..But I ignored another thought of leaving and forgetting about this, of not disobeying giles, but I couldn't. Something even more powerful inside of me was working within me and wouldn't let me turn around and walk out, in some ways it was as if I had no control over my own wants and needs, I knew that giles would say that it was part of the magics that I didn't want to face up to, but I'd done spells and I felt good about them, this couldn't be a part of that, maybe it was because I had felt out of the loop lately and that giles couldn't trust me with those books.."Yes", that's what it is",..I told myself even though deep down some part of me believed that giles was right".

I stepped into giles' office, to the right of the main desk where most librarians checked out books and gave out fines as I stepped inside, he'd

cleaned his office from top to bottom and some important volumes were on his desk,as well. I ignored them. Watcher files and Slayer Files had no interest to me, buffy was the slayer, I wasn't. and I knew if she knew I was in here disobeying giles she wouldn't like it, she could get into trouble sometimes but she'd know that that this was wrong.

I turned the cabinet as the top cabinet became all that I saw with a whole row of leather bound books as I had recalled where giles' had put the one I had been most interested in exploring, I'd touched it, went to open it acouple of times last year and giles had closed

it before I could even think about opening it and memorizing spells, he'd gotten really upset, almost livid holding that book.

"This Volume is Dangerous", and I don't want you to touch it. Not even for a peak. How many times have I told you willow..Magic is Dangerous. "It may open door you can't close"..and I recall he'd dissapeared into his office, and I hadn't known then or even now, but that book was different than just normal magic, it was special, maybe it was because I sensed it's specialness,why I had to see it. Had to do atleast one spell in it. my inner self kept ushering me forward, pleading for me to grab it an do what I must, Earlier I'd went to the chemistry Lab and picked up anything I could possibly think of that would be needed, I'd hid it in my locker until I was ready to use it and now hear I sat with a small blue jean tote full of chemicals, magic stuff.

Pulling the large, heavy book down i sat on the floor, after turning the light on. I then began to fumble through the pages drinking up the emmense power that I felt within these pages, the specialness that this book already had and why Giles' hadn't wanted me to look at it, he always had a reason but right now I wasn't listening and I thought he was crazy, maybe overreacting a bit, too. I never thought that giles could be right.

Soon I found a spell, a good spell that was I'd wanted. it was something I could do for me and Xander. It would drive Cordelia away and he'd want me..Me! I'd make a spell to where he thought of only me and Cordelia would be out of his mind, She would leave him and it would just be me and Xander, like it had been since we were in grammar school, but before Cordelia had gone petty and mean. he'd desire only me, but then I hadn't realized that I'd fogotten to read the fine print of the old rusty page that sat on my lap in that book..But i didn't think that giles could be right, he couldn't. he was old and he didn't remember spells as being as important and needed. As magical and amazing as they were to me, things were different when he was into the magics, I didn't believe that there was any chance that he could be right, that was my first mistake".

I wasn't thinking clearly, I wanted to believe that if I was doing spells and taking charge of the power that I wanted that everything was for the best, like buffy. I knew she saved the world but everything always somehow seemed to go her way, yeah, I helped. I sometimes looked up things..xander did,too. and Giles..Giles was her watcher, he prepared her for everything to go the way she wanted it to, I knew that buffy had alot to deal with but I never really thought about all of the decisions she had to make for the sake of the world, I'd believed it all to be what she wanted, maybe even easy. I hadn't even taken into consideration what she'd been through just before she ranaway, sure,I'd always been on her side where Angel was concerned and I felt bad for her and Knew she was going through alot when Angel turned bad, but I"d never really thought of the decisions she had to make to save the world, and I didn't see the decisions that I had now, ones that could shape my future, but I just couldn't see them, nothing seemed clear or made any sense. All I saw was Fun and Excitement..Adventure. that's what the magics were to me, right now I couldn't see them as anything else but fun.

But what I couldn't realize right now and wouldn't until much later was that with one spell I could shift from being a beginner in the magics to lost within the magics. but that was a part of me that I felt was already lost. there was something powerful inside of me and it was so much of a part of me I couldn't think clearly, I knew what buffy and Giles would think, but I wandered if Angel would be on my side. "He would", I told myself. he had to be. But I didn't listen to a certain part of me that told me that what I was doing was wrong, not the magic. there wasn't any part of me right now that wasn't wanting the magic..The spells. The power. But it was the fact that I was decieving people I cared about that bothered me. I'd lied to both xander and Buffy. I hadn't lied to them before. Not really. and Giles. I was forbidden to do what I was doing, whether he was here or not and I decieving him,too. that hurt me even more. I loved Giles. he was like a father to me, even though I had a father. My dad wasn't around alot. was always on a business trip or meeting with a client and my mother was always taking trips..meeting fans because of "The book of the month", she was professor of phsychology", So I really looked up to giles, but I didn't want to believe that he was right when it came to the magics. I wanted tbelieve that he was older and was wrong..Even though deep down I knew he wasn't. But this was so fun and adventurous. it gave me a purpose, made me in some ways like buffy. not really,yet it helped me to where I could be an assett to the scoobies, I could help save the day,too. I wouldn't give that up without a fight, I figured it was okay with Xander if he was just a normal kid and stood in the background while buffy did her slayer stuff and saved the world, that wasn't okay with me. I wanted to be important,too. I'd never realized before, but a part of me was jealous. Not buffy..But of the slayer part of her, the glory of saving the day, of being powerful. but I hadn't grasped just how power could corrupt, if willed

But nothing my thoughts or feelings proved worked, I was guaranteed to do the first spell. the first spell of the rest of my life and I was even willing to lie to my friends and betray giles' trust to do it, something inside of me was so powerfully strong that it didn't matter, it was almost as if this power controlled me and wasn't just because of another spell I'd done or something that had brushed through me and never left, at times at night I felt like it was me. but I would never tell giles about this, I trusted him but he'd worry. he did know alot of powerful magics and he and buffy..They would blame themself for letting me do the spell to reinsoul angel, I didn't want them to feel bad. This was my problem now, and anyway, I didn't even look at it as a problem,afterall, I thought of this as a wonderful journey..an adventure, what was going to go wrong with that. and with that I began to with lighting incence and mixing it in a wooden box, it belonged to giles. I mixed with some other elements, most of which I had gotten from the Lab, even some eye of newt wich worked well with love spells, afterall, that was what this seemed to be, But it didn't say it. it wasn't like your nornmal love spells and I hadn't read the find print, I didn't think that it was that serious of a spell even though it was considered black magics and very powerful, being in this book and all, I paced myself as I was ready to start to chant, to bring my spell to life and make Xander mine once again.

Oh beautiful,thine moon,Oh most beautiful star,Oh brilliant light which I have in my myst,By the air that I breathe. By the breath within me. By the earth whichin I stand upon: I conjure thee by all of the names of the spirit princes living in you, by the ineffable and secret name tetragrammaton, and all of the other names of power.I conjure thee: Oh resplendant angel gabriel,like the planet mercury,prince micheal,and melchidael,I conjure thee: I chanted".

I conjure you again I conjure you again, by all the secret names of Tetragrammaton, so that you may send

the power to oppress, torture and harass the body, mind, and soul of Xander Harris,He whose name is written here. I fiinished my chant feeling the light flash around me as something passed inside of me, through me, as if I felt enchanted or something..and then it happened, the things. that which was going to be my punishment, magics punishment as the lights flickered and everything went black, little did I know was that it wasn't just inside,but outside, everything went to black of night. the light was gone.

I was alone in the dark, a part of me felt like I shouldn't have done that spell. I shouldn't have even snuck into giles' office and looked at a book I was forbidden to look at and I knew that I was busted now, sometimes spells have concequences, giles had warned me about this several tmes but I hadn't listened, I'd notice even buffy roll her eyes and say that he was beginning to sound like a broken record, and she was his slayer..But I knew he was going to be back anytime now and there was nothing I could say, he'd know that all of this happened because of a spell gone wrong and then he'd be mad at me..Funny, I hadn't thought of the concequences until just

Now, just now when it was too late. So I sat there near one of the tables in giles' office, sat there in the dark as I heard voices and footsteps coming closer, A person I recognized as Sneider with students..Buffy and Xander were with him as I lurked out of giles' office in the dark, Principal sneider had a large flashlight and looked extremely preturbed, as usual.

"Rosenberg", I should've known. Summers, you put her up to this. I know you won't admit to it..I'll find a way to prove that you had something to do with this"..Sneider roared out turning from me to buffy as he dissapeared leaving the three of us in the pitch darkness".

But even the dark I could feel buffys' eyes on me as if she'd already known that I had lied to her, and she knew that I had disobeyed giles as well. that was when I felt another presence in the door, somewhere near the door, silent, not saying anything stood giles, Rupert Giles, observing the situation and the fact that I still stood in the doorway of his office, of which I wasn't to be.

A candle then began to light giles' face in the dark but I still couldn't see Xander and Buffy too well, they were standing to the side of him now and I could tell that they were both backing up towards the door as if they knew Giles was mad and they knew he'd ask them to leave once the lights came back on as they both scattered on afew minutes later to see lights flicker back on, Even though it was still miserably dark outside, but giles didn't tell me to leave or give me the chance to sneak out like Buffy and Xander had, he'd been waiting for the lights to come back on, because he knew what had happened, he knew that it hadn't been just bad luck and a problem people had no idea about that turned the day into night and lost electricity for a few moments, it had been a spell, a spell with repercussions, the kind giles told me about all of the time.

Lets talk this over in my office..Giles admitted, his voice didn't raise, didn't lower. it stayed the same as if he was trying to be calm and not get upset for my sake and I didn't argue, I wanted to but I knew he was mad, I could see that much by the expression on his face and how his face paled with anger, I had betrayed his trust when he trusted for me to stay away from the things he held as too dangerous for me to touch and I hadn't listened, I'd purposely disobeyed and to giles that was worse than anything, even lying.

I sat in a small chair near the door, I knew that he was mad as he began to pace in front of me as if he was trying to control himself, I was beginning to feel terrible for what I'd done, I shouldn't have disobeyed Giles, he trusted me and i trusted him. and I'd lied to my friends,too. But I couldn't help it, it was like there was a hungry beast inside of me and it had to be fed, I craved magic all day long, wanting to do spells, not just simple spells but some powerful ones,too, I craved the power trip it took me on thinking that i was the only one that could feel this kind of power, that buffy was a slayer and there was no way physical fighting gave you this kind of feeling of power, Nobody would understand, I doubted that even Angel would, but I planned on visiting him when School was over, if anyone would see my side it would be angel, he never seemed to get mad or yell at anyone, maybe cordelia was right, maybe he was like a "teddy bear with fangs", although I knew there was alot I didn't know, Angel tried to tame the side of him that was the beast because of everything he'd done when he'd been angelus,but I didn't realize that he could be just as mad and concerned as Giles could..If I set him off enough.

"I can't believe you would do this", afterall of the talks we've had about magic and how dangerous it is. You knew..You knew why I put those books up, the reason I keep them in my office. for your own safety and you purposely without thought disobeyed me, you came into the library, into my personal office and you took that book and did a spell, you stole stuff from the lab without asking and you put yourself and everybody else in danger, I'm not even going to go into the fact that you lied to buffy and Xander..I am very dissapointed in you,Willow. I expected more from you..But perhaps I can't expect more, Perhaps you don't know that magic isn't a toy.."Perhaps it's time you learned",child..He groaned glaring at me".

I wanted to undo everything that had happened, I felt so bad for decieving giles, Buffy and Xander,Included. I just coudln't help it, something inside of me wanted it and I had no control, I had to do what I felt I needed to do,But I wandered if anyone would believe me. Afterall, it was hard to believe.

"Good", Don't talk..I"m going to ask you a question and you better answer it correctly and I hope to god,child that you haven't made a bigger mistake than I think you have, Magic always has concequences..How many times do I need to tell you thet before you believe me?! I want to know what spell you did and from which book..Giles paused passing me as he grabbed a book that hadn't been put away, it sat on the floor near a wooden box of ingredients that had already been used as he figured it out by the page the book had been shifted to and the ingredients in the box, his eyes bulged open with anger and worry as he flashed his eyes towards me with concern and rage.

"Leave"! he roared towards me".

I didn't. I just stood up wandering what was so important, why he'd seemed so different now that he'd figured out what the spell was that I'd cast, it hadn't seemed like that big of a spell at the time, I was sure whatever it was, he was overreacting, but he didn't seem to agree.

"You Foolish Child", You have no idea the forces you've beckoned, the power that you errupted. That spell you performed tonight. it wasn't a love spell like you thought, yes, I know the spell quite well, this book is special..Speicial. that's why I put it up, out of your reach and you deliberately disobeyed me..Well, the jokes on you. This isn't no love spell or a simple candle spell, this is a conjuring spell, A spell of power and away of controlling someone that isn't natural. Do you understand what you have done?! Do you! Do you know what the victimes of the spell are like when under it, they've got no will of their own, unlike love spells, their even more dangerous..Beasts..Primal-animal like who have one thought, and that is what you wish them to have.."Just Go", you disgust me. I can't believe your such a fool to do something like this"..I'll speak to you later..Giles growled out at me as I had no choice but to leave, I didn't know why but I got a feeling that there was more going on than me disobeying him and doing a spell more dangerous than most love spells, there was something he wasn't telling me, but I figured it was more warnings about how dangerous spells were so I decided to go, school was over anyway and I had planned to go and see angel, Angel would listen to me. he wouldn't brush me off and yell at me like giles did. and he wouldn't be judgemental and a know it all like buffy could be, he'd actually listen. he wouldn't get mad. and right now I believed that, that's what I really needed so I headed off, to find and speak to angel in his mansion, I wandered if I was wrong, if I set Angel off, would become just as mad as giles was now?, I wondered".

So,I did what giles said, I left and I felt bad that he was so hurt even though I knew there was something else, some other reason he was this mad but I didn't question it, I just left. Left without saying anything to anybody, not even an apology to Buffy or Xander, I felt bad for what I'd done, they were my friends, I owed them the truth but I knew that when I finally spoke to them it would be a quick apology, no explanation. No reason for why I needed to do spells and why it wasn't just a tool to use in a fight anymore..I feared that if I told them, they wouldn't understand..They wouldn't understand that I wasn't upset about this, a part of me even liked it..I wanted this. I wouldn't give up this power, not for anything and I wasn't willing to get into a fight about it now,either.

I found myself in the myst of the graveyard where buffy usually patrolled as I passed through it quickly, so quickly in fact I barely

saw the names on the graves as I passed them, I soon found the path that buffy usually took to Angel's Mansion and I followed it, I didn't know why but I felt that I couldn't talk to my best friends about this, I had to talk to someone who had darkness and had power in him. Angel would Know..he'd understand. so I planned on seeing if he'd help me, it was odd. usually Angel was just the boyfriend, buffy's ex,now. but he was our friend, even Xander had found a way to be nice to him and not hate him as much as he had, which was odd for Xander. but Angel wasn't his enemy anymore and he held no threat, afterall, He no longer dated Buffy, that made me sick, how he could just turn off his hate one minute and the next he could turn it back on like it was a mask you wore at halloween, it disgusted me because he could act so imature sometimes, Almost as if he was better than everyone, although he never talked to me like he talked to buffy, he was smart, that way.

Just then I realized that I didn't know how to approach him, Did I knock on the door? Did I just walk in as if the place belonged to me, I didn't know much about Vampire rules,anyway, so I just walked in, he was sitting down in the dark near the fire place holding a mug of what I figured was blood,him being a vampire and all. But he didn't notice that he wasn't alone, Buffy had told me before how intuitive with his surroundings he was and I wandered if he was doing something important and hadn't given any thought to the fact that I was standing here and he hadn't seemed to notice, but that showed how much I knew. he was aware from the moment I stepped foot into this mansion that I was here, he didn't even turn around to look at me before saying my name. "boy was that creepy", I thought to myself.

"Willow",he urged with surprise,but not that i was here but surprise that I would come to see him, I had to admit, I'd never asked him for help before but we had saved the world together with buffy, and he was at the bronze sometimes so maybe this wasn't as weird as it seemed".

"Yeah", I'm sorry if I interrupted you..I..I stuttered with nervousness as he smiled and patted the seat next to him which was an old petrified wooden rocking chair and I smiled willingly sitting next to him as he seemed calm and perplexed, almost happy, although not too happy,if you know what I mean. I willingly sat there as I began to tell him everythig that had gone on, how I'd decieved giles. How I'd lied to Buffy and Xander..and how terrible I felt.

He shifted in his chair turning to me, he didn't look angry or upset. just concerned and worried. he didn't yell, he used a soft, understanding voice. Just what I'd wanted, although I hadn't thought, I hadn't betrayed him, he had no reason to be mad, ofcourse he'd be kind and soft with me, I'd come to the right place..I told myself.

What you did was wrong,Willow. But you didn't just lie and decieve the people you care about, you put yourself in danger, There's no such thing as a easy and simple spell, all spells have concequences, most of them aren't good ones, magic is something powerful and I believe that magic does have a purpose, it's purpose is to only be used when there is an emergency..A battle..A fight. you use it for your own needs and bad things happen and I know you want to be a part of the solution, not the problem. I know you can do that..Now promise me you'll not touch those books again..Not even a glance. and if you promise me..Keep your promise..he urged to me with his full voltage smile as I solemnly agreed not knowing that by the time I got home,I'd have broken his promise,too".

After I promised, I vowed to myself to keep it although deep down I knew I'd break his promise because this power inside of me was even stronger than I thought it was and I didn't feel strong enough to fight it, maybe if it was surely an enemy, I would, but it wasn't. Not to me. I liked it. Even loved it. I'd never give it up, and that's why things were going badly.

"Thanks for coming to see me willow", Little does buffy know,I know alot. Even about magics and other power, I've been alive a long, long time and I've seen things most people couldn't imagine, good things, some bad. but I"ve seen how people who really care pull together, it makes it all worthwhile if you have someone that cares..Angel explained to me and I thought he sounded like a fortune cookie telling me what everyone else had but saying it calmly, he wasn't mad, not yet, I thought".

That night I didn't go to Buffy's house and explain how sorry i was, I didn't even know if she was mad, although she must've been, she had to be. if I were lied to by Xander or buffy I'd be furious, but I'd just went home to find an empty house as usual and I went to sleep finding that I couldn't stay asleep I yearned for some spell to perform but I had no spells, nothing. Nothing fun, anyway. I planned on doing what I promised Angel I wouldn't, I had to. He didn't understand, he was just like Giles..he'd never get it, maybe if I explained to him I had so much power inside of me now, maybe he wouldn't be mad that I was now decieving him,too.

It was a long night, but I never stopped thinking about what I was going to do tomorrow, never changed my mind, just slept with ease knowing that tomorrow I would have all of the spells I could want and they'd be powerful spells that would make me even stronger, make me even more powerful and needed as a scoobie, I could help buffy even more, she'd need me, she'd really need me. I'd be like her. I wouldn't be behind, following her like I had no life of my own, not that I looked at Xander that way, but I felt like that at times, I needed this I really did. I didn't care what Giles or Angel said, or even if buffy was upset, I'd soon have Xander, I did a spell earlier and he wouldn't want cordelia now he'd want me, he'd need me. and no matter what he really felt, even though I knew it was love..He'd love me, the spell guaranteed that, but I knew it was wrong, it was wrong playing with peoples' free will like this, like they were objects and not people, But I loved Xander. I'd rather die than to see him spend the rest of his life with cordelia.

Stepping inside giles' office, it was early in the morning and I knew that he wasn't around, I knew that what I was doing was wrong, very wrong but somehow, I didn't seem to care. it's funny how cold I could be and how I liked it. Why did I like it. I questioned myself in confusion and utter shock", who was I turning into?

Grabbing hold of the black, leather forbidden book I headed out as if this was something I'd done a million times, I'd just stole from giles and I had decieved Angel. What would he think of me now? I pondered the thought but I didn't get out with the book, just as I walked down the hall I came face to face with Giles and Angel, I didn't know how Angel had gotten here in the daytime, perhaps there had been enough shade, but they were both staring upon me with disgust.

"I think you better go back to the library", and wait for me..Giles demanded as his face paled and the vein in his forehead stood out with rage".

"Us"..Angel added as I 'd never seen the vampire so mad before", I never believed that he had it in him".

As I walked away to the library I saw buffy standing there, I didn't see any compassion or pity in her eyes for me, just stared at me, then at angel as if she had seen angel mad many times and that it took alot to upset him but when you made him angry, he was like a timebomb ready to Launch and Giles", I knew quite well what giles' was like mad, but I hadn't seen nothing yet.

I could see buffy step closer to the door as It slammed shut behind Angel. she seemed perplexed and confused, but most of all hurt and worried. and I felt bad for that. I'd been the one who had made her feel so hurt, it was me. Why did I do this? I knew I woudn't have gotten away with it? I stole from giles. I lied and decieved angel, but Angel would understand, wouldn't He? By the way his mood was going I was guessing that, that was a "No".

Giles didn't pace this time, he didn't do anything. he just at his desk with a look of dissapointment and worry on his face, this time it was more worry than anything, like he truly did know something that I didn't, something that I would soon find out but he didn't make it easy for me because I was worried, the worry was readable in his eyes but everything else about him made me think that he'd never forgive me, he was mad..On a rampage-mad. but he didn't say anything, nor did Angel. I saw angel standing agains the wall behind Giles' at his desk, his face had paled so much, even more than usual with him being a vampire and all, it was almost unreal looking.

" I can't believe this", you disobeyed and decieved me yesterday and today", what do you do? you steal from me? Willow out of everybody I trusted you to have alittle respect for other peoples' things, I told you "No", I told you that the book was dangerous and that I didn't want you to be near it,but you didn't listen to me, and Angel has been telling me that you went to talk to him, that you thought that he'd be easy on you, yes he was easy. he trusted you and tried to get you to a point where you'd listen and realize that there are darker forces of magic that could hurt you and the people you care about

but you didn't listen and now..I'm not just mad. you decieved Angel when he was trying to help you.."he's mad",too..Giles concluded as I felt bad for now he wasn't yelling at me, I could tell that he was really dissapointed and clearly mad, I could see the rage in his eyes but he didn't allow his anger to get the best of him, atleast not this time.

"You lied to me", How could you? you promised me and you lied. Damnit Willow..Can't you see what's happening? don't you know what power this holds. Angel growled out at me as if Giles wasn't in the room and we were alone as he paced', I"m not just dissapointed in you..What you did was wrong. You decieved us..and you stole from giles..I want to know who that spell was on and I wanna know now, I wasn't asking questions last night because I thought you'd listen to me when I told you how dangerous it was.. but I guess you didn't. "Who was it",Willow..he said my name with a profound disgust, a disgust I'd never heard him use before".

I didn't say anything and he began to pace as I watched as Angel's fist went into the wall taming his frustration.

"Okay", I understand your anger. I'm angry too but do you need to destroy my office in the process"..Giles told angel as I knew I had to tell them".

"Xander"

the spell was for Xander"..I concluded honestly to the both of them".

"Xander", you'd do this to your friend.."She needs help Giles", you know what i mean..Angel groaned towards giles..Giles had stepped out into the library and was pacing, he needed to be somewhere that was away from willow, he couldn't believe that she'd do a dangerous spell like this to one of her friends, "Why"? maybe angel was right. Maybe I was sick".

"I know you think this is the right thing to do and everything, Willow", I know that your lost. But you need to talk to me and giles before Any more spells come into this. We're your friends and we're trying to help you. But you're doing is dangerous, you put Xander in danger, this isn't a simple love spell, giles showed the spell you did to me and I'm not sorcerer or Warlock but I could tell that it was a powerful spell, you don't want to lose yourself to this, you want to listen to us and believe what we're telling you, the magics are powerful, willow. We need to know when this started..You need to tell us what's been going on..Angel demanded of me as Giles came back inside alittle bit more calm and collected, although he was still upset, he was two minutes from getting angry again".

I didn't know whether I should tell them but I was beginning to realize that I didn't have much of a choice, it wasn't like I hadn't lied to Giles and Angel..It wasn't like I hadn't stole from giles and decieved everybody, I owed them something for the way I'd been behaving, I knew that if my father found out.."Ira Rosenberg", wouldn't like his only daughter toying in dangerous forces and stealing from people", There had been a time I'd think that he wouldn't believe and would be like a normal parents but I knew that my father had experimented with dark stuff in college, he'd told me before, when he'd first noticed me doing spells, he'd gave me a stern warning, to be careful. Sounded like a fortune cookie", kind of like Angel and Giles now. But what I didn't know was that my parents already knew and they were keeping quiet for a reason.

"When I did the spell to reinsoul Angel"..I began".

"And"..Giles called for me to go on while angel stood there and listened as if everything he thought relied on what I revealed right now".

"When I woke up in the hospital and I found out that I was okay and not dead or anything I tried to reinsoul angel again and it worked, something powerful went through me and it didn't leave. it's still inside of me. it's so powerful giles and I do like it. it makes me a part of the scoobies,it makes me matter. but it's like a second person inside of me, it longs and feeds on the magics and I have to give it what it wants. it whispers to me in the middle of the night, begs be do things I wouldn't normally do. "It's so powerful", Giles..I began intoxicated by all that was powerful and "Mine".

"Too powerful"..Angel put in as giles looked more serious and concerned than ever".

"Angel's right", nobody should have that kind of power", your sick willow, this power is inside you because of what I allowed, I should've never allowed it. I should've done the spell myself", but I was afriad. Yes", adults can be afraid,too and I was. I'd been to a place in my youth, you've heard of it when I created the demon with Ethan, I did terrible things with magic, things you couldn't imagine, I was lost in the darkness of it all and I had to rely on the council and "My father", to help me because I went through just what you're going through right now and I'm so terribly sorry that I didn't do the spell myself", it's dangerous and powerful.."Gypsy magic is the worst"..I think we should send you somewhere, somewhere where you can get the help you need. "I think it is for the best"..giles told me as I didn't want to leave my family and Friends", I couldn't leave".

"I don't think that's the best option", I think me and you could work together to help willow"..I just don't know if sending her away to a new town and a special place like that, it might do more harm than good..Angel told angel as I hoped angel won the arguement, I didn't want to leave".

I left them to their thoughts as I left", this time without the book I'd tried to steal, I'd found my home and stepped into my house when I saw that the sofa had been turned towards the door and my father sat there", he wasn't smiling. there was nothing pleasant about the expression on his face. "What had I done"? I mean", I knew what I'd done. Giles and Angel hadn't growled at me all afternoon because I had done nothing wrong but this was my father", he'd known I was doing magics before because he'd done it when he was young", but this couldn't be about that", could it?

"Willow", I've had a long and interesting Chat with Angel..My father began".

"You know angel"? I enquire shocked".

"ofcourse I know Angel", he is an old friend. he's been telling me some interesting things about you, he's worried willow and with what he said this afternoon, I am too. I told you that when you started to get into this magic stuff that it was dangerous and that you shouldn't get too far into it but apparently you didn't take what I said seriously and now it's inside of you and it's powerful. I'm sure your feeling it's power. he explained to me that he's concerned that we'll have to send you away to get better and I was almost agreeing but I had a better idea, So after he called I made alittle call to the coven and told them about it, their a powerful magic source, they know what is going on and they deal with things in the proper way..I don't know just how they will deal but they helped me so it can't be that bad. I will call angel back and tell him what I told you..That's all I wanted to say,Willow.."I'm trying to help you"..my father began as I didn't know what to say, I was alittle upset but atleast nobody was shipping me off to somewhere else like I was a crazy person", I was just powerful. Why didn't people envy and respect that I was important and special like that".

i didn't say anything, I just turned from him and raced upstairs to my room to be alone with my thoughts, the thoughts nobody thought important but me. it was a long night of trying to ignore my thoughts, I'd begun to wander if giles and Angel could be right", was I in way over my head.

Morning came quickly, I didn't eat much, my mother was on another one of her book tours but my father was home, as he had been last night. he sat at the kitchen table watching my every move.

"I'm only doing this for your own good", you'll understand in the long run..my father began from the kitchen table as I ignored him and stepped outside rushing to school which was only afew blocks", sunnydale wasn't really a big town, it was very small in size.

I walked by the nurses' office seeing buffy with a bandage on her arm as she walked out to greet me, she didn't look happy. she was so dissapointed', I could tell. and I knew that giles had told her what I'd told him and Angel. and I knew that she knew something else that I didn't.

"I understand that your going through alot", giles and Angel talked to me about it. "I should've never let you do that spell", I was stupid. but what you did with Xander", that Spell. he's attacking anybody who says anything bad about you", will..this isn't working. "Can't you reverse it"? Buffy asked me and I knew she'd heal fast", but that wasn't the point.

"Giles says the spells in those books can't be reversed". I wish I could. I never wanted to hurt anybody..I admitted walking away and I knew buffy wasn't mad but she was dissapointed, she expected more of me".

I looked back once more but I saw that buffy had turned away and returned to her locker, she seemed alittle bothered but I wasn't sure whether it was the fact that Xander had attacked her because of me or if it was something else, I'd noticed that she really hadn't been herself lately, Like me, she'd changed too but I'd been so bothered with my spells and magic stuff that I hadn't realized that hard times were all around, not just for me. But for buffy,too.

I'd went through the day as if I'd been in a cloudy daze, nobody really said much to me, Except Xander who followed me around like I was his shadow, things were quite silent, Soon Lunch was upon me and I sat at a table near buffy and Xander, Well, buffy anyway. Xander wasn't around. I figured he was still in his in class finishing an assignment or talking with a girl in the hall as sometimes he tried to do, maybe he'd found cordelia and they were on there way. the last person I wanted to see now was cordelia but I was starting to think that the way I'd acted had been wrong. I didn't mean to hurt anybody..Not Buffy. and Especially Not Xander.

Buffy sat with me at the table but she didn't seem happy, she didn't really even talk to me much, every once in a while she gave me a distasteful look that told me she didn't like where I'd been and what I'd done, but she never said it and I knew that she wasn't speaking of the fact that I stole giles' book or that I'd lied to Angel, her and Xander included. it was the spell that had made Xander Dangerous, hurt him. it disgusted her, I could tell that she was only sitting with me out of pity and I felt terrible, I apologize a million times but she didn't even associate my attempt, saying nothing as a fight broke out in the cafeteria, I hadn't realized until buffy turned with curiosity to observe that Xander.."My Xander", had started it. "What would make him do that", and with Larry? I questioned myself wondering If Larry had made the mistake of saying something about me just as buffy had, I followed buffy over as buffy pulled both guys apart but Larry was the one on the ground, bleeding, and unconcious, buffy held xander by his arm..

"Enough"..She growled looking at Xander with pity and sorrowful eyes and once he was gone, forced down the hall to snieders office by teachers who had observed the fight and had called 911 because the school nurse wasn't going to work to make Larry better, he was seriously hurt and Xander had assaulted him, he was in big trouble.

"I wasn't going to say anything", You're destroying everything,Willow. Everything. Do you see what Xander just did..Do you see. "You ruined him", Larry could die..Buffy snarled as she shook me violently as if I was the vampire and she was my enemy, not my best friend", I was scared. Was buffy right, Had I destroyed Xander's life..Had I put Larry in the hospital. Was it me who should be taken away by the teachers and turned over to the police.. "Nothing made since anymore"..

I didn't say anything as buffy kept shaking me and that only made her even more angry, I felt like I was going to pass out, I'd never been on the recieving end of buffy's brutal slayer tactics.

Things became a blur and I was starting to get dizzy as I could giles' voice coming towards us..

"Buffy", Buffy No..I heard giles' voice call out with a stern anger but it wasn't for me this time, it was for buffy and as I was dropped onto the floor I gazed up in despair seeing as Giles grabbed buffy sternly by the arm dragging her off to what I supposed was the his office in the Library, I had been forgotten. "It was always buffy"..I murmurred silently to myself as everything went black".

Opening my eyes, the light was so bright. Too bright and I was instantly scared. I didn't know what of but my best friend had turned against me and nobody had cared enough to ask if I was okay, where was I? I wasn't in school anymore, that was for sure.

It took afew minutes for me to get my vision back and see things clearly as I realized that I was in Giles' office but there was no giles, it was me and Angel. I noticed angel sitting at giles' desk talking on the phone, I didn't know who he was talking to but it became pretty clear that it was giles and giles had left him here with me, I didn't recall giles or buffy carrying me back here. Buffy had been so mad at me, on a rampage. "Had it all been a dream", I questioned myself as if I didn't know the difference between a dream and reality but deep down I knew that it wasn't a dream and that Xander had really beat Larry nearly to death, Larry had been rushed off to the hospital and police had picked up Xander and took him away after he'd been expelled from School, I learned all of this by listening to Angel's conversation. "But of all people", why would Giles leave angel with me in his office. Had something happened.."What was going on"? Where was buffy"? I thought nervously", I feared my friends would never talk to me again.

"He's on his way", Giles. I called Ira as soon as I had a chance",too. Don't be mad at willow. I don't think she knows what she does..I think she is oblivious to everything around her. the power is inside of her, you of all people know what that's like and power isn't always good, sometimes too much power can corrupt and give people bad judgement", I don't know too much about money and man-power but I know about inner power and how it can make everything seem fun and challenging but it's sometimes a bad thing, too dangerous. I know that none of us are happy about what has happened with Xander and buffy..and it is her fault, she performed the spell all by herself, But I don't think tough love is the way to get to her, it's only going to make her more upset..It'll make her want to try more dangerous spells than the one she tried. I talked to Ira earlier and he said that he's coming to pick her up and that he wants to talk to me alone. "Maybe Ira can work this", afterall, he is her father..I heard angel talk to somebody of whom I knew was giles".

I was sitting up wrapped in a leather Jacket, it must've been angels' as he then hung up the phone realizing I was awake and other than yelling at me and blaming me, even physically challenging me like buffy had he decided to be calm and supportive because he knew that it had stopped being something I could turn on and off and he knew that I needed their support, even though buffy was still upset and hurt by what I had done to Xander and the results of my spell putting Larry in the hospital. I felt terrible, like a bad person altogether but I also felt lucky and grateful, Angel didn't treat me like a criminal or a junkie to magics. He treated me with care, like the first time before he'd gotten upset about me lying to him.

"You slept all night here", I was concerned..Angel told me as I began to panic forgetting that my father was on his way".

"I didn't go home last night"? My father is home. He'll be worried. I began as I figured I'd created enough trouble", I didn't want to put my father in a bad mood and make him ship me off for sure", afterall he'd already contacted somebody at some Coven in England".

"Oh", don't worry about that. Your father is on his way here. He had business meeting in L.A., he said he should be here within the hour. I called him last night and he'd thought it best for you to stay here and for us all to talk when giles gets here, he's running acouple errands in town. Angel explained to me as he smiled trying to be charming so I'd stop with the tears and the shame", even though I rightly should feel guilty", he wouldn't allow it. I could understand why buffy fell for him so.

"What happened to Xander, It's my fault"..I challenged feeling like I'd been brought out of a dream and forced into that ugly reality where I had desttroyed everything, the place of which I didn't want to be".

Angel didn't change his emotions, kept quiet and calm, smiling at me as if I was made of glass and he didn't want to destroy me, but I was already destroyed. the things I'd done, the people I'd hurt.."Who was I"? I challenged myself in my mind", How could I have done this"?

"without this power", I know you wouldn't do the things you've done. We haven't always been close but now that we are friends I've seen thinks about you and I have been told I am a good judge of charactor, I know that the real willow wouldn't hurt anybody she loved, not me. Not Giles..and especially Not Buffy or Xander. there is power that is bad, to where some power is good and helps you do what you need to do, what you have to do in able to live and achieve any goal you want to, but there is bad power that seems good and controlled, even fun and Adventurous. but it takes it's toll, eats you up inside and you don't even realize what is happening until it has happened, the power changes you before you can even see it. you start to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do, lose sense of your values and morals and then you make a big mistake that is a lesson and wakes you up, makes you see what's really happening, this power is stronger than you are willow. It's not your fault that it went bad and you didn't know how to stop it, but it is your fault that you didn't tell anybody right away and I'm not a pathetic Vampire that doesn't know anything about things that happen around me, like buffy seems to think, I know alot. I've lived a long time and I know how strong some power can be, I've done spells before and to be honest with you, I don't like them much, their dangerous and dark, Like something rotted and bad..and no matter how good your intentions are to begin with", Darkness finds you if your not careful. But this isn't all your fault, yeah, you should've told someone and not done that spell..But I'm just as much to blame as you are..I deserve some of the blame and guilt, It was me you reinsouled when the power found you..your first spell was a dark spell,Willow. so the darkness of it seeped into you and it made you want that kind of a rush, that kind of power. "I know power", it's even more dangerous and hard to control than the power that's inside of you. Do you think that just because I have a soul that there aren't thoughts brought on by angelus, he's always inside of me but it's the good in me. My soul..the person your talking to now that controls it and says know. "Being Angelus is like being on a drug", and I wanted more and more..once you can control it you realize where the true power lies. and that's what you need to do, but you can't do it alone, that's why you should've told someone, It doesn't matter if you were saving us from guilt, things come up and you hurt people if you're not truthful. I've spent two Centuries of decieving and hurting people I loved, not just physically and death-wise, but emotionally and I know what it is like to be empowered like that. but it's bad and wrong..spells can be good, but you have to use them right or they won't. Now giles wanted me to give you a head start on what's going to go on. He didn't want you to hate him because he cares about you and is feeling bad for what is going on and he doesn't want you to go down the same path that he went on..so I'll enlighten you..he explained to me and I was startled", what was he saying? Were they sending me away.."No", they couldn't send me away, not like this. Not with buffy mad at me and Xander in trouble..Not with all of my mistakes giving me no friends where I was alone. "They couldn't just dismiss of me like that.."Could they"?

"What's going on"? I enquired wanting to know, fearing it was that I was being sent away and there was nothing I could do about it".

"Don't act so frightened", Your father contacted the coven like he told you and the Coven contacted the Witches Council and they've been reviewing this information carefully, their concerned for your well being and t hey don't like a such a huge amount of power going on unchecked, power that could be being used wrong and cause trouble..Bad things to happen..So they contacted giles with information and instructions and he's coming to share it with us, your father included. "Don't be mad with them",Willow. they only did what they had to.."For you". your father felt bad about calling the coven, he thought that he could try and convince you, help you himself. but it obviously wasn't working. Angel explained to me as the door opened as giles walked in followed by my father, this was a meeting of minds so to say.."Buffy wouldn't be around", even if she was allowed, I doubted she'd wanted to. it still disturbed me that buffy had attacked me, like some stray animal, as if I was a vampire. "I figured that giles had yelled at her", i remembered him calling her away just before I passed out", he hadn't seemed happy about her going all slayer on me..In front of everybody in the cafeteria.

"Willow",Sweetheart..I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I was in a meeting and I've been very concerned about you, young lady. We're trying to help you. We're doing our very best..My father promised sitting beside me on the small sofa I'd been sleeping on just a while before they'd arrived".

"and nobody is upset with you right now", I am worried and I was angry that you would steal and lie..But I'd never thought this could happening and it is dangerous, it's even more lethal than if a normal person is addicted to gambling, or drugs..Even Alcohol.."It's an addiction", the most dangerous of all. and everyone just wants to help you..and buffy is sorry for attacking you yesterday. she didn't know. She didn't know that it wasn't you're fault and that it was connected to a power you cannot control. That your too weak to fight this power.."I talked to her and told her that no matter what she is not to use violence like that again..She said she'd talk to you later after we're done talking, I have already told her the news so she's prepared..I called her at home before I came here and I persuaded the cops to release Xander by persuading Larry not to press charges, for some reason he was easy to oblige and help. So you see, nothing is as bad as it was before..nobody's lives are ruined,Willow, no matter how destroyed anything is, it always can be fixed and we're going to help you.."I spoke with the witches council", I know you've never heard of such a thing. I've never had to bring it up..Ethan's Father runs it and the academy that was formed to follow..I spoke with him and he seemed adament that I was in the wrong for leaving you without proper training and he is sending out a watcher for you..but all watchers come with overseers, he hasn't yet told me who will do the job, but I'm due to meet with them tomorrow in the lunch hour, you can join me and buffy, I'm just going through some training stragedies with her tomorrow to prepare her for things that come..your watcher will do about the same thing as I do, he will prepare you but not to fight with physical force but he will train you how to fight back with magics, how to use magics properly and control it. and the overseer is here only to take care of the more difficult things, schooling, schedules. Watching over you and reporting back to the base which is the witches council, his opinion is the middle opinion..the middle man..Last decision is always "Charles Raynes"..I think this will be good for you, you will be helped and you will have duties, things to shape your skills. "I really do think that this is for the best"..Giles told me as I was nervous", yet relieved that they weren't sending me away but this was something that would be nice", I'd be more like buffy. I'd have a destiny, I hadn't realized before but I was truly jealous of the slayer in buffy and I wanted to be powerful, to control things, to be looked up to the way everyone did to buffy when there was a monster or the end of the world. "I wouldn't to help more"..I guess now I was getting my wish, but I thought to myself", Would It be all that I thought would be"?

That night I slept, I'd had a long day upon listening to the news and chanting a peace spell that Giles had given me, he said that it wasn't the type of magics that I was used to , it was the place where magic came from. Pure and good magics so I did the spells done with white rose petals and incence and in no time I calmed down and could rest, but I was still worried about tomorrow, things had seemed to be better with buffy and giles was holding Xander in the cage in the library until my recent spell passed to ensure nobody else got hurt, his parents were always drunk and oblivious to if there son was coming or going, so it was easy to do it without getting parents involved and my mind was at ease knowing that Xander wouldn't hurt anybody else and the spell would pass in a day or so, atleast that's what giles had said after he'd talked to Charles Rayne, who worked at the witches council saying that things would be cleared up shortly and that there was no need for alarm since Xander was caged and couldn't get out, Oz had volunteered to watch him, this being one of the weeks

there wasn't a full moon and he didn't need the use of the cage, himself. I hadn't spoke with Oz, but he'd invited me to the bronze where his group was performing so I was sure he wasn't mad, I'd gotten the first flier, Devin had given it to me saying that Oz was too busy the first night he'd returned, I knew why. he had been caged up, it had been a full moon. I was starting to want to break up with him, I really did care about Oz, I cared about him too much and I didn't want him to get hurt, I was becoming so powerful and I knew that it was dangerous, Even though buffy had told me at lunch today that I shouldn't make that decision, Oz should. Maybe she was right. maybe it was his opinion and choice whether he wanted to keep on doing this even though I'd made mistakes with spells. "It was his choice", completely.

Most of the time when we had been in the library Xander sat in the cage throwing books at the door, pleading for giles to let him out. That he was as normal as normal could be, but he was normal, most of the time. but people had a tendency of having a mind of their own and saying things that would set him off, anything that dissed me would upset him and get him in trouble again and the next person might not be as understanding and forgiving as Larry had been, Giles had told him to sit down and observe and that it wasn't right that he was locked away but it was necessary until the spell wore off, he didn't understand what giles was saying because it was part of the spell, anyone under it couldn't understand that the spell even existed and I knew that once he came out of this, Xander would hate me. I remembered his bout with magics last year, how he'd made a mistake and never wanted to again, he hated what spells had done and the fact that I loved him and he loved me and I had put him in this kind of a position, hurt him. I couldn't cope if Xander never forgave me. "Why would he"? I'd tortured him..hurt him. I'd made him hurt other people, even Buffy. "I didn't deserve forgiveness", I muttered to myself in my sleep as morning began to peer through the windows of my room, I could hear my father downstairs talking to my mother who had gotten home late last night, he had told her everything and now they were arguing about it..i could hear them, for they were yelling so loudly, people outside could even hear them.

"I knew it"..I knew it. You introduced her into this world Ira. This is your fault. she'd be normal, going through normal stages in her life but for all of these supernatural nonesense.."Your not sending my daughter away", it doesn't matter what she'd done..and as far as this "observer", or watcher.."you better hope they help our daughter"..I heard my mother shout, she was enraged".

"I never said anything about sending her away", I sent for help because we'll lose her otherwise..and you don't give me altamatums, Sheila..Willow will do what she's asked and she'll make us all proud", she'll turn this all around. she's a smart girl. look at all she's acheived. She's going to forget about the magics or atleast be able to control it and she'll graduate high school and she'll go to Yale or Harvard..Our daughter will acheive all of her goals, she's so smart. "I know she can do it", you should too. this is only a bump in the road and these people are wise, they know spells and magic and they know how to help people control it. "they helped me and I'm a successful Judge", I wish we could both be here for her today when she meets these people, but I can't. I have a court date today and I have to be present and you have a seminar.."I left her some donuts and juice"..and I left her note. Now can we stop arguing, atleast for the car-ride..Ira told my mother as things grew silent and I suddenly heard the front door slam behind them", I knew they were gone. they never really stayed for long..Just long enough to visit for afew days and go about their business..They were successful people and sometimes I felt like the second fiddle to them, but I knew that it wasn't there fault, they were trying to support me, give me the best..I respected and loved them for that.

I found my pink fuzzie top in my dresser drawer with a crocheted blue and white house on the front and a long blue jean skirt that would go all the way down to my ankles, it was one of my favorite things to where, one of my best outfits as I fitted my shoes on and rushed downstairs with my books, I barely took a bite of my chocolate donuts with pudding inside as I then sipped the orange juice, drinking it until it was gone, it gave me the energy and strength I needed to get through the day, even though I was terribly nervous about today, I felt as if I was seeing things through buffy's eyes and not my own, today I would have a destiny, a purpose. "I'd be able to help buffy more"..I'd be buffy's right arm.."Just as important"..I told myself with excitement although I didn't realize what I was getting into and that it no longer had to do with buffy.."It was all me".


	2. Chapter 2

Ch.2 Sacrifice and Responsibilities

Stepping into School I felt aqward as if it was my first day of School and I didn't have a pencil, but it wasn't the first day of school but I would be getting a watcher, just like buffy had. Would he or she be like giles..I hoped so. and I was glad giles could forget what I'd done and realize that I'd needed help, professional help to get through this but I still didn't want to let go of it, but then I wandered, was it there goal to take the magics away from me. AFterall, if they dealt in magics, were they just helping me control it. "would I be able to keep the power within me", maybe I didn't have to lose everything..I fumbled with my books as I went to my first class of the day knowing sooner or later giles would enterduce me to to this new person and that I'd realize and find out what was expected of me but I doubted that it was anything like buffy did, she was a slayer, a chosen one..I was just a girl who had pushed myself to do magics. it had been my choice. and yeah, I had power in spells. but spells were an add on, something to to help the champion destroy the evil, it didn't stand alone.."but I had been wrong", very wrong. "spells could be hust as important as the slayer handbook and the watchers' journals and I was in for a ride that wouldn't all together be all good and fun, I didn't know exactly what I'd gotten myself into.

I could hear chattering from every angle as I walked down the hall, buffy bounced towards me giggling as if something happened I didn't quite know about and she seemed full of happiness, she didn't even complain about angel's speeches or being the slayer which was odd, every morning it seemed as if I heard it, not that I could really complain, I couldn't say much even though me and Xander sometimes joked about it, I couldn't judge because I wasn't the slayer and I didn't have the same responsibilities she had, sometimes when Xander got hollier than though in her face I was irritated, it was different when you just joked about it , but he'd been mad, irritated about it. that was different. but this morning was weird, I hadn't seen xander, I figured that giles had taken care of the situation as usual, afterall, this type of thing was why he had that book return, afterall, he did put oz in there when it was a full moon, yeah, that's probably exactly where Xander was right now, I was so glad that Xander hadn't gotten in trouble because of me, he'd hate

me forever, I couldn't live with that, although I knew he'd be mad, I'd put him in danger and it was my fault that Larry was in the hospital, I hadn't touched him, not really. but metaphorically I had. but buffy was full of excitement this morning, all smiles, was the term as she began to walk with me, for once not complaining about how irritating angel could be and how he gave her the speech of all speeches last night, even though they weren't together anymore she complained about bossy and pushy..and speechy he was. But she didn't even mention Angel, not one peep. she was more concerned with me, and she was happy about it, it kind of made me nervous to see her this morning since yesterday she'd shook me until I'd passed out, I was sure giles and Angel both gave her a good lecture on that one, I'd heard giles' voice.."Buffy No"..and it hadn't been pleasant to hear..when giles was mad, nobody could ignore him. I doubted even buffy could.

"Giles filled me in last night on everything",Will and guess what?! We're going to do everything together..Patrol..hunt, whatever you call it. practice. I mean, I never wanted to hurt your feelings before but you couldn't understand and there was no way you could know what it was like and be completely a part of this, but now. things have changed,Will. Me and you are taken' over sunnydale. and now that you have a watcher of your own", This Changes Everything. I mean I haven't met your watcher yet,although I wander if he'll give you cookies or treats, giles keeps a bag of reeses and snickers in his office..Last night I slayed this big demon. it was like an oobervamp or something and he gave me two reese peanut butter cups, he said I earned both of them, although I wanted two more, he was stingy, he said that lord knows what I'll be fighting tonight.."This is going to be so great"..Buffy told me excited about everything".

I didn't know what i felt about this, a part of me was excited about everything, especially the fact that I was going to be right along side buffy, I'd always sort of been jealous, not of buffy as my friend but of the slayer part of her, the part that was so powerful and respected and changed the world and helped people and now that I was getting a watcher just like her, a part of me was nervous, but another part of me was just as excited as buffy, this was a game to me. and magic was like a drug that I couldn't get enough of, I didn't see any bad in this but I wished that it would've been my option and not my fathers', not Giles', I wish that it had been because it was meant to be that I be special, chosen for something..Like buffy was.

Buffy didn't say anything else, just led me into the library, I could see Xander in the book return, he was sitting a table and he appeared to be doing his homework of which I'd rarely seen but he was, Cordelia was sitting at one of the tables glaring at me as if she knew that it was all my fault, but it wasn't like I cared what Cordelia Chase thought, Afterall I knew that if she and Xander broke up tomorrow that she wouldn't give a second thought to myself and buffy, she was just a girlfriend, that was all. and that was sad because I could remember a time before buffy had come to Sunnydale, before the scoobies had emmerged when it had just been me,Xander,Cordelia,and Jesse. things had been simpler,too. the time when cordelia hadn't wanted to be miss. Popularity all of the time, but we were younger then too, High school had changed alot and cordelia had turned into a different person, a person that needed beautiful things and hot guys surrounding her and those things hadn't been that important to me or Xander, we didn't put superficial thoughts above morals, but I couldn't say that cordelia was all bad, once in a while you saw a glimpse of the old cordelia and no matter how much I knew the spell I did was wrong, I still was jealous and envied cordelia, she had what I couldn't have...Xander.

Oz sat acrossed from her, he was looking at a large black book I'd seen acouple of times, it had a leather cover and it was a filing system of facts and a history of werewolves that dated back to the first werewolf, I recalled giles wanting him to read it and be intuned with his werewolf tendencies, knowing more was better, I recalled buffy getting irritated with that since he had never given her the option to read the Slayers' handbook, whenever she questioned him, he'd change the subject as if he never intended on allowing her to read it, even if she'd been into the books like I was. I wandered why. it was none of my business, but that didn't stop my curiosity from wandering, was there something wrong with the slayers' handbook? was there a reason giles was against her reading it? I pondered the thought as I stepped farther in as I could visibly see giles talking to someone in his office, it appeared to be a woman, dressed in a black and grey business suit, her raven hair in a bun with a manly figure about her, like the people he conferred with England, that was it. Was she my watcher. I hadn't thought it could be a girl, even though I knew it could be possible, I'd considered somebody like Giles and she seemed so prim and proper, but I had to remind myself that giles had been the same way when we first met him, he'd been so british, even now he still had that but it wasn't as in your face, he could see more levels, He saw buffy as a whole person, and I wasn't his responsibility, So I didn't count. but now I was nervous, I hoped she was nice like giles and trusted me to do what she said, I hoped she didn't bully me around like I was below her, I'd heard that some of the british thought they were better than americans, but I'd always looked at giles and never saw that even though at times it could be there.

Oz put his book down, I'd talked to him on the phone last night and he'd assurred me that he understood and that nothing changed between us and he'd even said that Xander would be alright and forgive me once everything was said and done but I'd tried to destroy Xander, knowing that I could hurt Cordelia in the process, I didn't know if he could forgive that. I hoped he could. that's all I could do was hope.

"giles is in there with willows' babysitter", oops Watcher. I'm sorry but it's all so odd to say watcher, when they brought this person from england to make sure you behave, sounds like a babysitter to me, oh that's right. the rich and Elegant English don't call it that..Sorry,Nanny.". Cordelia mocked as I was hurt but tried not to show it, a part of me wanted to claw her face but another part of me thought she had a right to be rude and mean to me, I'd tried to take Xander away from her, destroy their relationship, I'd almost gotten Xander thrown in Jail, she had a right to be caddy and mean this time.

All the while Xander stayed in his corner in the book return not paying attention, maybe it was on purpose or maybe he truly didn't hear what was going and that Cordelia had insulted me, maybe the things she'd said was what he was feeling right now, I didn't know. but she did have a right to be as crude as she was being and even more, I'd done a horrible thing to the both of them.

"Cordelia",That's enough. Willow was and still is under great magics, power that you wouldn't even know about. Maybe you should be more understanding about that..Buffy growled out and I figured that giles and angel truly did talk to her about what had went on between us just yesterday, afterall what cordelia had said was nothing next to buffy shaking me and threatening that i was destroying everyones' lives but i was glad that buffy was on my side because if ever there was someone I wanted to fight my battles for me, it was buffy.

"It's okay buffy", I did a bad thing to Xander and it effected cordelia. she has all the right in the world to be mad at me, I tried to break them up through magics and I almost ruined Xander's life. I"m sorry. but I'm trying to change things, I'll do whatever I'm supposed to do, I won't do anything like that again. Willow vowed not just to buffy but everyone in the room".

Cordelia rolled her eyes as she dissapeared off to meet some friends, especially Harmony to chat on current events being pathetic Willow Rosenbergs' sorry ass excuse as she ran out saying nothing else to anybody, not even to Xander who was still locked away in the book return, but we weren't alone anymore, Giles and my watcher were standing near giles' closed office door taking in everything that had just been said and giles was appreciative of it but my knew watcher seemed like she was taking everything in and judging me

as if I were a slab of meat or an object to be sold off to this store or that store, it wasn't like giles who gazed upon us like people, giving us the respect we deserved, she was different, I could tell, me and buffy both were object to her, things to be owned and controlled and when she spoke it only proved my thoughts to be true.

her eyes were the brightest of green and her lips a dark magenta, almost black yet not and she held herself in perfect posture as if she had just stepped out of runway or was being judged herself as she spoke. I didn't know why she seemed to act so different, more british like than giles had, as if she owned the world and we had to answer to her to merely exist.

"I don't know what Rupert Giles has told you but it is just those spells that will be tested", yes, young lady you will be judged through black magic and White magic, you will be forced to do things that you would never do before, it'll make you strong, powerful enough to do whatever you are programmed to do..she uttered, no emotion in her voice, as if she herself had been practicing this speech on the airplane ride here from England".

I turned to her feeling alittle bit nervous and confused, she seemed so formal, so cold..Snotty,even wandering what she was talking about and what my father had signed me up for, would they allow her to talk to me like this, as if I wasn't a human being but just a thing", a thing to be controlled.

"Programmed"? I asked with confusion not understanding what she meant as she kept her eyes on me never taking them off".

"yes", when you are given an order for a task you will do it no matter what your emotions tell you or your family or friends. you are a machine,mostly. A tool of the council, not a human being, your only purpose is to do is your instructed..She informed me as I still hadn't learned her name yet but I already felt weak around her as if I wasn't going to like her very much".

Giles moved towards the both of us in a rage of anger and frustration turning towards her singling me out of the conversation.

"You will not talk to her like that"! She is a human being and you will treat her as such and so is buffy. and if I hear you say one word..I heard giles flare out at her as she interrupted him".

"Ahh yes",mr. Giles, you've left everything you were taught behind as if it didn't exist, Slayers,Witches..Seers. There all tools of the council, things to managed. Controlled. the moment you let them go to school, have families, friends, that's the moment you break code and see them as people, they can never live a normal, full life..Human beings can never champions or Warriors,Mr. Giles..For to be a champion, A warrior. you have to only have your eyes on the battle ahead, the darkness, it takes you into it, you were taught this and we're not slayers or witches. We cannot fully comprehend the true meaning of losing your human side through the years. that's why most slayers and born witches are controlled, programmed to do just what their watchers tell them to do, Tell me Rupert, how many times has your slayer fallen or gotten kicked out of schools, been bardered from society of being human..By how quiet you are I'm guessing too much to mention..You don't have to agree with me, my subject will learn the right way, she isn't a part of society and neither is yours. "their the councils most powerful weapons", I hope you haven't forgotten that..I heard her conclude to giles and he didn't say anything but I knew that he didn't agree and that it was irritating him just to think about it, but he was getting nowhere with the conversation so he decided to leave it at that.

"Names aren't important but my name is Margaret Finch and you will never address me by my name, it is yes ma'm, no ma'm and I will address you as I see fit". now your overseer should be here anytime now, he's late, I hate people who are late to important meetings, it tells you a great deal about that person..She told me as she began to pace by the door as finally the door opened and a familiar face stepped inside, dressed in blue jeans jack and matching pants stood ethan rain as she walked towards assessing that he was the overseer and giles stood there in shock as I saw him step forward with disgust", OH No", Not you Ethan.",I heard him growl out with annoyance".

"Ripper", Old pal, Old Friend.."Aren't you thrilled to see me", it's been a while"..Ethan told giles as I had met him once before, last Halloween when we'd all turned into are costumes, he'd had that old costume shop we'd bought our new constumes from, I recalled".

"Not long enough",I'm afraid"..All this, and you too. I swear if I would've known..I heard giles' roar with rage", it was clear to anyone with eyes that he didn't trust Ethan as far as he could throw him".

I am not thrilled at the fact that girls like the two of you go to school, you shouldn't. it takes your eyes and minds off of what needs to be done but the slayer is Mr. Giles' property, not mine to say or do, but I came here for a reason and even though I can't go against Mr. Rosenbergs' wishes and take her out of school, there will be alot that will change..she told me although I thought she was talking to giles and buffy as well, I wished I would've been given a watcher like Giles, Ethan seemed fun and fool, careless as giles called it but atleast he wasn't making me feel like a "Thing", I wasn't a thing, peice of property. I was a person. this was just a hobby, I thought.

I didn't know whether I should like this person or not, I saw the hurt expression on buffy's face and the angry vibe I was getting from giles, but Ethan had a playful expression as if this was all fun and games to him and I wasn't to take anything she said seriously, as if she didn't really matter. he was my overseer, was he more important than she was? I'd never heard of an overseer before.

My instincts told me that anybody that made me feel bad wasn't to like, she talked to me, and even to buffy as if we were objects and not people to be treated with respect and I'd always felt that if I was chosen for something, much like buffy, I'd be treated with respect, like I was special and I could do things other people couldn't but all I was getting from this watcher was that she thought that she and her council were the only people that matterd, they were important and special and I was a tool to be used.."programmed", had been her word for it, I didn't know if I could ever respect her attempt at liking her, she made me feel like I was low. it was okay to hear it from Cordelia, for the most part, cordy was petty and I tolerated it because she didn't matter, She was cordelia, although this time I had known she'd had the right to be mad, but this woman was supposed to coach me, teach me how to control my gift, show me how I was supposed to deal and help out, so I didn't destroy myself with this power that was inside of me, but all I was getting was that I was an assignment, she didn't even associate me with a name and she'd wanted me to associate her in a formal manner as well, maybe it was the rich custom, maybe Giles was special, different and he could overcome his English Roots and see Buffy..Even now, me as a real person and not some "thing", maybe I was just overreacting, maybe this wasn't the way it would be. she couldn't be all bad. Could she? I questioned myself with fear and nervousness, there had to be some warmth underneath the surface, something that was welcoming and kind to show me all that this power had to offer. I convinced myself, Everybody had alittle good and gentleness to them, I'd even though the evil did, afterall, some demons were even cool and interesting, Even if they wanted to destroy the world, but I could tell that I was the only one that thought that, buffy had given me an odd expression when I'd told her that and said that I'd had way too much too drink, Angel had said that I was an old soul and that I thought I was living back in the day when people actually did all have good in them and looked out for one another, he'd said that he'd lived in a simpler time and although their were good people today, but you had to take the good with the bad..I didn't know if I could believe that, I knew that

everyone else thought that I was niave and wierd for thinking there was good in people who brought harm to others, even if they were evil, they'd had to love something in their lifetime to make them go bad. Maybe she was just a rich british Snob who didn't like America, Very business like. maybe that was all there was to it and that sooner or later she'd warm up like giles had and things would work out for the best. I seriously hope they would, I was really nervous about this whole situation now that I'd met her. Giles didn't even like her and buffy felt threatened by her comments even though she'd said nothing, I knew that wasn't like buffy to keep quiet, giles must've told her to keep her peace no matter what had said, afterall, Giles had been saying alot lately and she must've listened for some reason not clear, maybe Angel had talked to her,too.

"We'll meet during the lunch period in the library", Since that is the only space available. I'm sure Mr. Giles won't be a bother. she signaled her comment to me and left the library although Ethan didn't go with her, I could tell by the expression on his face that he didn't much care for her and I wandered why he was staying behind, What did a overseer do anyway? I pondered the thought never hearing of one before.

I sat down at a table as I saw giles move towards me comforting me as he put his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry", If I had any power in the situation I would've been your watcher,too. you truly are the best of all of us,willow. you deserve the best. Not that..That Toth..Giles roared but not loud enough for people outside of the library to hear", Ethan just smiled knodding his head.

'I tried to get the council to sent a better watcher", but Quentin was set on his selections. Sorry,Ripper. I don't like that woman, at all. We could do a spell, for old time sake..Ethan called to giles as I listened curious about the things Giles and Ethan did in England before giles had come here to be buffy's watcher, it had been a secret and he'd talked about it like it was locked away and he couldn't tell anyone, it couldn't be that bad. Afterall, he'd told us he'd created his own demon, what could be worse than that? I thought to myself as I saw the disgusted expression on giles face that was directed at ethan, they'd used to be friends, why were they such enemies now? Just because he was open with the magics? Was that all? I thought magic was a fun ride, an adventure. I'd already learned in the time I knew giles that what he thought of magics was different than how I saw them, he and angel looked at magics as a needed source, Something that was only used for the good of the world or to save a life, not for personal use. But apparently giles hadn't always been such a closed book with magics, if he'd done the things he'd claimed to have done with the powers, dark magics, maybe he did know what he was talking about afterall.

"the girls have to be getting to class", we can't talk shop now..I'll have you know ethan that I don't trust you and that you'll have to prove to me that your not the same ole' Ethan Rayne", you've been. Worshipping chaos, using magics as a weapon and not a priviledge. I only hope you don't teach willow the things you take for granted", Ethan", you better hope..I heard giles threaten ethan as Ethan folded his arms in front of him.

"Ripper", Who are you fooling with this good guy act? Not me. I know you try to pretend like you are against magics now and that it never was a part of you. but I can see the fire in your eyes, the thrill for that power. it's still their Ripper, It's a gift, you were always so unwilling to except that fact. but this isn't a seminiar for you ripper. this is willow's game now. and I have High hopes. Ethan told giles as I smiled slightly", he seemed wise and powerful, interesting too".

Giles was about to say something when ethan turned and walked away, I was sure I'd be seeing alot of him now that he was sort of my mentor, or atleast that's the way I took it, he taught me the the things my watcher could not teach me or wasn't allowed. I then followed buffy out of the library and to our first class of the day where I'd see a familiar face, the one person other than buffy that wasn't mad at me..Amy Maddison.

Amy sat a table all alone", some of the other kids knew that she was a witch and wouldn't speak to her and most people were still mad about what I'd done even people who hated Xander and looked at him as the school outcast", Larry had friends and they weren't as forgiving and understanding as Larry was", which I wandered why. he had never given Xander the time of day", that was odd. it was almost as if they'd shared confidences. but it wasn't my business", I'd never liked Larry. the way he treated girls, like they were objects for a man to use, the way most jocks acted..even sometimes percy..It disgusted me. but I wasn't a social butterfly so the fact that people didn't talk to me wasn't no different than usual, me and buffy were still friends and Xander hadn't spoke to anybody on the account that he was locked in the book return until the spell wore off", I'd recalled giles saying that it was a good thing that I hadn't given extra strength with my spell or the cage wouldn't be enough to hold him. "I felt bad and giles no longer gave me the third degree", he'd just given me help and so far I wasn't very appreciative", this watcher seemed like a nightmare..Atleast Ethan was sort of nice even though he and giles, once freinds", seemed to be enemies now.

"Something I missed", I walked by the library and it looks like giles has company. like people from england or whatever. "What's up with that"? Amy asked as me and buffy sat with her".

"Nothing much", willow is just getting into the magics and now she has a watcher", Like me. I heard buffy tell her as Amy had guessed that buffy was the slayer because giles' was so knowledgable about that stuff and that he helped her reverse the spell on Xander and "His women", last year and there was alot revolving Amy", but she was cool about it and didn't spread it around like most kids would", afterall her mother was homicidal and a witch", she of all people understood the dark powers that surrounded such people", even though she'd started to get into spells again", but nothing like her mother had done. She'd learned her lesson with that and she'd been concerned to hear that willow was so powerful", she hadn't know what had happened last year and had been shocked to learn", but she didn't judge and she didn't make fun of her like some of the other kids did..She wasn't a stranger to spells and witchcraft. Me and Amy went way back", even before buffy came into the picture.

"There's watchers for witches", I never knew that. my mother never spoke of it. but your probably speaking of good witches"..Amy told us with a smile as she wandered if she could get some pointers".

"Don't be envious", she's kind of mean"..I added as buffy took over sitting beside me at the table".

"Nothing like Giles", he could be cold and stuffy when he first got here but nothing like her", she called us "Things to be programmed", as if we're not people", although I'm pretty sure giles don't like her at all.."He said toth"..Buffy uttered with a pleasing smile", she'd learned that word once before when he'd said it to angel when they'd been in a debate on old literature as opposed to computers and online literature", I could hear it as if I'd been there..Giles hated the computer.

I noticed as people walked by hearing the "Witch", word and scowled at all of us. Even buffy. I couldn't help but to care but it didn't seem to bother buffy or Amy", they seemed used to the talk.

"you need to relax",Willow", remember what I said before..Life's short..and if you let everything everybody says or does bother you your not enjoying anything", if I felt hurt or bad everytime somebody thought of me differently', being who and what I am..I wouldn't get through a day..I'm sure Amy is the same way", buffy told me and I knew she wasn't finished but I asked my question anyway.

"How do you shut their thoughts off and do your own thing"? even before I could never do that. sometimes people can be cruel"? I asked seeing the humored expression on buffy's face as if it was simple as I could hear people gossiping as they passed us and smell the odor that wasn't always so grand of School food, an aroma that filled the cafeteria as kids grabbed trays full of food and sat where they pleased", but I still looked at buffy waiting for her reply", since she'd been different and "Special"..Chosen", longer than I had been, I respected her opinion and advice more than anybody elses.

I watched as buffy swallowed some orange jello she had on her plate quickly as Amy had dissapeared to be in class alittle earlier because she was failing and she needed study hall which was next where giles would be since Sneider thought it mandatory for him to mingle with students", not that he'd wanted to. I'd gotten that impression several times, but buffy was thrilled that I'd asked her advice", We were friends and talked about stuff but never about this and I could tell that my interest in her opinion meant alot to her, she seemed so happy we'd be spending more time doing the same things, she wanted to share everything with me. Even though our watchers taught us different things", this mean alot to her. and I was glad that we'd both get to know eachother more than we had before but I knew it would be different. but I didn't expect that spells and witchcraft would be just as much of a commitment to me that slaying was to buffy..

"Their just jealous",Will. Jealous because we're different. we can do things that they could never do. it is us who have the power and they don't so they try to make us feel like we're not as important because some people being different is worse than anything but you know what makes all of the difference in the world? it is the fact that in the end, in a way I am better than they are, I'm not saying that I"m superior to them but I have the power, I'm not a normal kid. I'm chosen for this power and no matter how I feel about it", it's mine. and they laugh and talk about me..I've lost friends because of it..but their jealous. that's all it is. I can defend myself. my future is already mapped out when most people spend their whole lives searching for what they want to do", I hate that. I wish I wasn't the slayer..you and Xander know that..and so does Giles. but I've tried running away, pretending it's not inside of me but I couldn't get rid of it, it is me. and it's the same way with you. you've got a taste for it, it's inside of you and people want what they can't have and because we're alittle different than they are they hate what they can't understand", the key to getting over that they think and what they make you feel like..it is knowing that you have the power and they want it..sometimes thinking your better is the key to getting over what they think because in a way we are better, in the sense of power and destiny..you have this wonderful power inside of you, a journey that they'll never go on..and the things you'll do on your journey normal people couldn't dream about. I'm not saying I'm stuckup and that I'm better, but sometimes believing it is what is needed to actually go on and not let other peoples feelings bother you.."the only one that matters is you", will..what do you think? should it really matter what other people think about you..you've got friends, ofcourse Xander is going to be alittle bitter for a while and cordelia has a reason for being cold, but other people don't control you..you shouldn't worry so much..and some people right now our just upset because they liked Larry and they know what you did to xander to make him attack Larry..and that is your fault. and I am sorry I attacked you", I didn't know you couldn't control it..Angel and giles yelled at me for a couple of hours..and once you go through one of angels' speeches, you'll know how unbearable that hour was..and giles", you've seen him mad..telling me to leave you be in the cafeteria was nothing once he dragged me into the library, he even closed the library for the hour so we were the only ones in there. "I hate when he gets mad", he's worse than my mother..and angel..I neve wanna be on his bad side again..But I think we're better friends than all of this..Aren't we,will? buffy asked me as I knodded my head glad that I wasn't alone after that spell", but buffy was right..Xander would be mad. and I felt terrible for what I'd done but we'd all been through too much", the scoobies were forever", I thought to myself as I started to eat my lunch and taking buffy's advice knowing she really didn't believe she was better, it was a tactic to deal with other people because in away", our gifts were above other people, so in a way, maybe she was right".

I just knodded", I didn't know whether buffy was completely right. I didn't want to come off as I truly thought I was better. Like cordelia could sometimes act but in a way buffy was right", their were different rules that applied here, but I wasn't sure that I could go by the same rules that buffy went by..spells and witchcraft were my hobbies..The slayer was her identity. I hadn't fully got yet that they didn't give watchers to people who had hobbies.."It was a destiny thing".

"Don't think that I"m like Cordelia or Harmony", will. I'm not. but different rules apply to people like us. Normal doesn't exist and we control alot, not that everything can be controled. I can't control disease or death by natural means, like giles tells me, but I can control the end of the world and demons and vampires.."I can save the world", people like us. if it were up to the watchers' council, we wouldn't have this..Sunnydale High..Xander..Amy..We wouldn't even be friends.."We'd be fighters", maybe even tools, like that watcher of yours says..So we have a different set of rules to go by..We control how the world is..and we can change it. your not being superficial or stuck up..or even mean by saying stuff like this..Your being honest because we control more the normal people do.. Just think about it..Buffy told me as I promised her that I would".

Maybe i was still too new to all of this to believe that this little hobby of mine would be anything like buffy being the slayer and I still didn't understand her explanation for how to avoid other people who were jealous and hated what we were and the power we had, was it really alright for me to go around and pretend I was better just because I was different..More powerful than them. Afterall in a way we were better, more powerful and as buffy claimed, forced to live a life that blocked anything normal out but I'd thought that normal was overrated and I'd wanted to be like her, even if sometimes I thought she was melodraumatic and went too far with whining about normalcy, she was right about one thing..I couldn't understand..Yet.

She smiled back at me as if she knew what I was thinking even though she didn't, as if she'd been where I was. although when she talked about her life in L.A., going to Henry, I got the impression she was worse than cordelia and I couldn't imagine buffy being like that although, I hadn't known her then, I wandered how she'd taken the news of being the slayer, if her life was as wonderful and she was as holier than thou and rude as she said she'd been", it must've been a major blow to her, I realized as she didn't say another word as we dissapeared to the room where Study hall was taken place in as giles stood there, but he wasn't alone, that awful and mean watcher was with him, and so was ethan. Ethan was sitting on a chair nibbling on an apple, he looked to be irritating giles with just his mere presence, I wandered what changed their relationship", Could it truly be the magics like I'd figured. "It had to be more than that", didn't it? I pondered the thought not knowing what else to think although I knew what giles would see, he'd say that it was none of my businesss what went on in the past, even though even would be in town on a regular basis, it was none of my business and he'd be right, it wasn't, but that didn't stop me from being curious about all that I didn't know, all that I wanted to find out about, like a small child curious about what her presents were on christmas Morning", I wondered what could've split them up to the point that giles looked upon ethan with disgust and didn't trust him. Could it all be as easy as just "Magic".

Cordelia was sitting in the front row with a book, reading something. I thought there was a magazine inside the book so people thought she was actually studying, I noticed amy sitting acrossed from her and a bunch other kids piled into their own desks studying or pretending to study as I saw giles gave the instruction for them all to study and that Ethan would keep an eye on the class, I could tell that he didn't like the idea of leaving Ethan in control but he was warning him with his eyes to not dissapoint and that this was a test to know if ethan could really be trusted, it seemed as though that buffy knew without question that weren't staying in here for studyhall", it was clear to her, it was time for her training and for my first hour of training,ever. and she excited not to do it for herself,

but for me", this was like a new and exciting moment to her", sharing being chosen with someone else and not being alone with this destiny stuff. But I wasn't so sure about it, I didn't trust this watcher, she seemed mean and cold", as if she didn't see that I was a person and not a weapon to be controled", Atleast Ethan seemed fun", why couldn't he just be my watcher. he didn't give me that cold dreaded feeling as if I didn't deserve to live or have the things I did", even though I could tell he wasn't big on me going to school", no matter how I felt about what was going on", learning and school was my first love. I had dreams and aspirations. I wouldn't give them up without a fight.

After taking a deep breath I followed buffy and our watchers down the hallway towards the library for my very first training period, hoping that I could do what she expected of me and show her and giles that I had what it took to do this and that I wouldn't be a problem but giles didn't seem to like her or trust her", he didn't look at me or buffy as a thing..I got that feeling when he was around and it warm and gentle. Why couldn't my watcher be more like Giles", even when we'd first met him I hadn't thought he was that bad, alittle stuffy..business-like..But not as mean and as crude as this woman was being", maybe I wasn't giving her a shot. Maybe I shouldn't be so eager to judge her and just want to prove that I was good enough to learn what she wanted to teach me. "maybe that was good enough for now", and maybe by then we'd be like buffy and giles were. "Friends". I whispered the last part to myself", softly, very softly so no one but myself could hear".

All the way through training I saw as my watchers scowled at giles and giles gave it right back to her, with not saying alot with their mouths, they said alot that couldn't be said. they hated eachother, and my overseer, Ethan. Whatever his job was I didn't know but he wasn't too impressed with her either, he seemed like a free spirit, giles had said alittle bit too carefree. I could tell that giles hated the situation, it was clear to see.

My watcher piled books and books in front of where I sat at the table describing what each book was. "this is book is about crystals and the power of blue crystals, purple crystals, white crystals and even red crystals", this book deals in "Candle Magic and what each color of candle brings", and last but not least tree books on channeling onces mind and phsyic energy into a skill of fighting and controlling the situation. I thought that she was asking too much. I had just done alittle spells for fun, just a hobby. I wasn't a full fledged witch and I couldn't turn my power into a fighting skill, like buffy did. How could I turn this power inside me into a "Chosen gift", but she'd told me that if I was to give up she'd call the council and they'd put me in concealment", which ever that meant. But by the looks that giles and ethan gave her, I was sure that they knew just what concealment was and weren't pleased with her threats.

"You will not threaten her", you just came in and took over. What do you expect..That she is just going to comply overnight. she's never had to train. never knew she could turn her phsychic energy into a physical power, she's going through a tough time and you come in expecting her to have knowledge of everything..I will not sit by and allow you to bring her down and make her feel bad..Giles roared at her as I was sure the concealment meant something bad and buffy had even had a concerned look on her face, she'd heard quentin trevers mention it on one of his visits when she hadn't complied to his wishes, she'd never thought they'd really do, I was guessing. she seemed shocked.

"I will deal with her any way I see fit", or I can call Quentin Trevers and arrange for you to be deported back to england..Margaret threatened giles and then, at that moment I hated her. I loved giles. he was like a father to us, and she just comes in and takes over, making me and buffy feel bad, threatening us..and Now, Threatening him. Could she really do it", though. Could she really make giles go back to england against his wishes. could she really do that awful thing she'd talked about to me and buffy? I hadn't thought a watcher had that much power, I'd thought he was just a mentor and helped heroes train and fight, I'd never thought they could be so cruel, have so much power. How come it didn't effect giles this way", I thought. but he'd never tell me. he was a private man, in that sense.

Giles turned her and I could tell that he didn't take it personally, he didn't seem to care about her threat or the fact that she was attacking him, but he was irritated at the ploy.

"That's rich", I speak the truth and you know it and that's why you're threatening me. well this is my library, if you don't like what I say or the fact taht I care about that girl, the both of them are special to me and I will not see willow used or hurt, you're supposed to help her, your supposed to show her how to use her power in a way that wil be healthy for her and the people around her, not the other way around. and I'm sure quentin will listen to me before he'll listen to you, we go way back and he knows I don't buy the crap they taught us at the watchers' academy, yes, perhaps some of it is true, I'm not saying that there completely wrong, but you treat somebody like an instrument..A tool..Even an animal and they turn into one, powerful people..champions..under pressure and abuse like that is dangerous..Why did you think I left the academy so soon. "I hated Roger Wyndam Price", He was a rude man, probably one of the meanest, cruel men next to my father I've met..it's my opinion. and this is america, I don't have to answer to you. "quentin will see my side", if you threaten me anymore, not to sound like a school-child. but you brought it on yourself..I heard as giles walked away and into the book return where Xander was noticing that he'd been taping up pictures on the wall from some Porno magazine he'd hidden inside a geography book to make people believe he was really studying.

"Get that trash off of my wall", Students come in here. Snyder comes in here", I heard giles go on flustered as he returned back outside locking Xander back in as he held a cross bow as he he handed it to willow's watchers because she'd asked and he wasn't into making enemies just yet, it depended on how much she tormented willow and buffy", I could tell that giles was put out already as he began to explain to buffy that he wasn't going to give her a weapon to train this time, I wasn't much on the subject but I could tell that he was trying to see what would happen if a vampire or a demon caught her at a time where she wasn't prepared..as I could hear giles telling her to be "Resourceful", My watcher began on another note alittle more understanding but still not the friend that giles was, she didn't even smile, this was business to her, I could see that.

Clearing off the table she asked me to sit in the middle of it, i felt nervous and didn't know what I was expected to do, was I going to do a spell? the thought of that made me happy. I wanted to do spells, why had she just talked about spells and power, about reading about it and stuff I hadn't quite learned yet like different crystals and candle magic..i only knew the kind of magic that you chanted, I didn't know that there were other kinds. but I did as I was told as she'd told me never to go againster as slid into the spot she wanted me to, in indian style she began putting white and purple crystals around me, keeping the red onces in a wooden box, it had been made with real oak, or atleast it looked that way, with a lock on it, she'd said that in my books I'd learn why red and black crystals were under lock and key.

"Now I want you to channel your mind, clear it of all frivelous matters. No friends, no school, no nothing. ", Once you do that find your inner self, find yourself through phsychic means and I want you to see something, think up any object, see it your mind, then I want you to you to make it appear on the table beside you", Once you master this skill you'll be able to do other things and manage to turn your phsychic powers and make them benefit your physical performance, Magic isn't just about spells, alot of things can be done through this sort of power and you'll learn afew quickly if your as smart as I'm told and you learn quickly", but if you aren't intuned

with your senses and your emotions, if you find it most difficult to come face to face with phsychic state of mind, this will be very difficult. Now I want you to close your eyes and do exactly as I just told you to do, we'll do this for twenty minutes every day until you master this and then we'll go into different things when we train..She told me and I was curious", i hadn't thought you could make something appear out of nowhere with just your thoughts, I thought she was crazy but maybe I could. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad afterall.

I didn't look over at buffy to see, but I didn't have to know that she was already jealous of me. "Of me"? that was a laugh. she was the one with all of the power, the skills. she was the chosen one, I was just some girl who was into the magics and didn't know the first thing about what was going on right now. I didn't know why she'd be jealous, it was me who was jealous of what she had. Everyone looked to her when things went wrong, she was the leader, yeah me and giles were brainy and were good with planning but it was buffy who fought the battles, not us. I had never looked at buffy as the jealous type, and to think that maybe I didn't know my best friend at all frightened me, maybe there was more to the slayer gig than I thought to begin with, maybe buffy had reason to complain the way she had. I'd never thought of that before.

I could feel giles' eyes on me but it wasn't anger or confusion, it was worry as if he realized how powerful this was and that I was hearing for the first time that having power like that wasn't a hobby and something that just helps, if you were properly taught and trained within the powers of spells and magics, it was just as much of a lead power as being the chosen one", but in the end both powers could destroy because they were molded into darkness, he'd never told me that but sometimes I'd seen it in his eyes, as if I didn't know. buffy said it sometimes, how she felt the power was dark and it was taking her down to hell with it, as if she wasn't doing gods' work but just a part of the army of evil..I hadn't understood that, I wasn't sure if I ever would.

I then did as I was told, tried to clear my mind as everything as everything went quiet, I didn't hear my watcher shouting orders at me, I didn't see the worry in giles' face, the confusing jealousy on buffy's. in the dark I searched, it was as if I'd went into a whole different world, I stepped out into the garden, a garden I'd never seen before, I wandered about as if I truly was there and not meditating on a cold wooden table with crystals around me, I saw a young girl holding a small White rose in her hand, her long dark auburn hair down to her shoulders and dark green eyes that glistened in the sun, I walked forward towards her as if it was meant to be, I didn't know what I was doing or why the peace I felt inside at this very moment as my power was perplexed and I felt relaxed wherever I truly was, I walked down the dirty and cobblestone path through a beautiful garden I'd swore I'd been to before but couldn't remember everything felt brand new to me even the girl, meeting her at the end of the path, I put my hand out reaching..Reachong for hers as she willing took hold dropping the white rose to the ground as a beautiful light spread over us..or shall I say me. Little had I realized the little girl had been me, I"d done what I'd been instructed to do, I'd always been a calm person and this test was apparently not that hard for me to do, I'd became as one with myself and then I thought of what else she'd instructed and I recalled and then I remembered the small white rose that fell onto the ground and I wandered if I could really do it, could I really bring that rose to life in my hand, not in whatever dreams or thoughs I was in, but in reality. would I open my eyes with crystals all around me holding that rose, or would it be a bust.

my eyes closed tighter as I hoped for the rose to appear not fully believing that it would but not wanting to dissapoint my watcher and something did happen as I finally opened my eyes, the rose was there, as plane as day, or well the stem was, the rose petals had fell off in small peices as if it had been gutted and my index finger was now bleeding from my flesh touching the thorns but my watcher didn't even take notice to the fact that I was bleeding or the fact that I'd tried to do as she'd instructed without faltering but i failed and in her idea of things, failing was just as bad as not trying at all, she had little patience and to think she worked on machines, machines went down, didn't she know that? I thought with worry and confusion as giles and buffy had appeared to be in his office talking about something in private and ethan still sat there, he then began to clap.

"Bravo"..he chimed in as I felt warmed by his comment but chilled by hers as she began to yell and complain saying that I was stupid and not powerful enough and I could tell that this time it was ethan that was bothered by her insensitiivity.

"My father taught you everything you wanted to learn", didn't he? I could tell by your level of sensitivity. she's just a child. she doesn't know the stuff your teaching her. give her time, she did perform most of the technique right..I think for her first try it was a wonderful job..you should be more understanding, your new. I get that. but if you make her struggle too much me and ripper will call the council, and your new at the council, you don't have as much sway as we do, sweetheart. Try a new tactic for you..Try to look at the glass as half full, instead of half empty..Ethan uttered and I knew I liked him, he was just like giles, but I didn't dare tell giles I thought that, he was just like giles, yet different in the way of magic. giles would never do some of the things Ethan Rayne did, that was for sure, that was why they were against eachother.

After that I called it a day as I left, heading for home by myself, giles had kept buffy after school talk about fighting techniques but I was tired and headed home as i stepped inside my house my father had gotten back early from his business trip and wanted me to tell him about my day, he was curious to how my watcher was and he didn't want me to be mad at him because he'd meant the best, I understood that even though I didn't much care for my watcher yet, she was no giles. although I liked ethan, he was cool. I was the only one. even buffy seemed to look upon him like he caused all problems. she thought like giles' did, maybe some things rubbed off from watcher to slayer. "How was I to know", I hope that wasn't the case with me. My watcher seemed so cold and distant. I didn't know the first thing how to connect with her, but i got that she didn't want to connect, I was a machine, a tool to her. nothing more. I wandered if she was right, was buffy a weapon too..Was that all champions were? I wandered".

I told my father about how cold and distant she was and how she'd been mad at me for screwing up a spell I'd never performed beformed before,I'd told him how I liked Ethan but that he was only my oversser and not my watcher. I'd also told him that it seemed as if me and my best friend were closer than ever before and how maybe this wasn't such a bad thing afterall, he'd seemed delighted and glad that I wasn't mad at him but I could tell that he was worried. i was too. I'd been to a dark and powerful place, could this woman really help me channel my skills and power in a more controlled way, like giles said. Was magic all just as powerful and dangerous as giles told me it was, if I could conjure up things with magic, it made me feel so much more powerful and important, I liked that feeling. the next time I vowed to get that spell right, I'd make her look upon me and be proud, I'd show her that I was just as good as any other witch and just as powerful,too.

I think I'm going to go to bed, we'll talk more tomorrow..I told my father as I found my way upstairs and into my bedroom as I was glad to have a watcher but not so glad that she was so formal and so "British", but giles' was like that in the beginning to, maybe it was just a phase watchers' go through, maybe it would change, she'd warm up to me and we'd be like buffy and giles' were, although I didn't see that happening, she was so dedicated and determined to prove that giles' methods were wrong and hers were right, would I ever be a human being to her? I hoped so. I longed to have what buffy and giles' had, but I knew I couldn't have everything, already I was chosen for something like buffy was, I didn't want to be just like her. I just wanted to be important and change the world,

and yes, that was alot to ask for, I knew that. I laid on my bed. I tried to ignore the feelings..the voices and thoughts that told me that I should do another spell, I didn't want to hurt any of my friends. nor my parents..or even Giles. this time I had to be stronger and I didn't want to do anything to make my watcher despise more than I felt she already did.

But as much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop thinking about magic and what I'd done earlier had made me feel more powerful, like the possibilities were truly endless, but that wasn't what they were trying to show me, they were trying to show me that magic..anything powerful truly comes at a price. but I still didn't see the price, it was fun and yeah magic could go bad if you used it wrong but I helped buffy and it was good spells, not the bead ones. I hadn't known that the spell to control Xander was bad, if I would've known, I wouldn't have done it. although I knew statement was a lie, I was obsessed with the magics, it got a high off of it and there was nothing giles were anybody else could say that would make me change my mind and this conjuring stuff, I thought it was the works of sorcerers and chosen people, like buffy was. not a typical girl practicing the dark arts, I'd almost done it. If I could conjure up things out of nowhere..Maybe giles was wrong to think I was just an amature child. "I could be powerful", Like buffy..I thought as I finally drifted off into sleep trying to leave the magics and everything giles and angel didn't want me to do locked deep inside me, I had to try. not just for them..but because I wanted to impress my watcher..and I wanted to have the power that buffy did, the way people looked at her. it wasn't jealousy over buffy,herself. "It was the slayer", Maybe I was just like Xander..Except with him it was a romantic obsession, he wanted her..but she didn't want him.."Why couldn't Xander want someone like me"? I groaned in my sleep falling into dreams of what it would be like if Xander was mine and not cordelias' or Buffys..


	3. Chapter 3

I could hear talking before I'd even gotten to the library, Angel was there and he,giles, and my watcher were talking about something, it was my progress and that they didn't think I was ready for going out on patrol with buffy and that some demon buffy had encountered would be out there, they didn't think it was safe. I wasn't fragle. I hated when people treated me like that. I could take care of myself and buffy would be there. What were they worrying about. What was this demon anyway? I said allowed entering the library as all eyes turned to me, buffy nor Xander were around, it was just giles,Angel,and my watcher. I didn't like being kept in the dark, I wanted to be apart of everything, if I was as important as they thought. they owed that much to me.

"I want to go on patrol with buffy". If I"m really as important as everyone says I am. then it's my right..I began as they all looked at me, angel smiled..A "I told you so", look, giles seemed extremely preturbed..but my watcher..she seemed happy with herself as if she'd been pulling for me to do this and giles and Angel were still trying to protect me..the thought was sweet but if I was special they couldn't protect me forever..Afterall, I didn't see them sway buffy away from fighting..but that was different.."She was the slayer", there it was again.."I'm still jealous", and I am somebody.

I'm going home..To catch some shut eye", when i come back I expect somebody among you to have answers and you better have helped young lady", I didn't take a plane trip from England to sit here with a project that isn't succeeding her duties..I"ll send you to england to somebody who can straighten you out if you don't do as your told..My watcher threatened as she dissapeared", ethan who stood near the door to giles' office rolled eyes"..

"What a drama queen", he mocked as he smiled at me but giles didn't smile, he still seemed alittle upset, I wasn't sure if it was at me or at my watcher but he didn't like this".

"I don't like that woman", she thinks she calls the shots. Willow, you shouldn't be out there without training. just being with buffy isn't enough. You have responsibilities now, things your expected to do, and she can't just send you off into battle without preparing you.."I hate woman like that"..Angel began as I wasn't going to argue with him, I wanted to be a part of it because I felt left out, but I was scared I'd screw up and it would be my life".

"Angel's right", Your watcher is completely wrong..Buffy will patrol..you will stay here and practice the tactics she taught you to do..I'm not allowing you to go out there without being prepared..You could get hurt or killed..I'm not going to have that on concience, I don't care what she said. she's new, she can't do anything anyway..Me and Quentin Trevers go back a long time..Giles began as Ethan just smirked although he didn't dissagreed, he hated the woman".

"But she threatened me", what if she does what she says..and I want to be a part of this. this is the first time I can be a part of something as something other than buffy's friend and I want to do it. Why won't you let me?". I asked feeling hurt and bad about what he'd said even though I knew that what he said was true, if I wasn't prepared for what I'd fight I could die or be hurt badly but somehow I didn't care, I wanted to be a part of the elite group of people like buffy..That were chosen. "Was that so bad"? but now giles had a even more disgusted expression on his face but the only difference was that now, his anger was pointed at me.

"Willow", he's not doing this to hurt you or to single you out..We're all just trying to protect you..if you go out there, even with buffy..things can happen. I should know. if your not prepared to do what your watcher wants you to do in order to catch this demon and kill it, then you could die or be hurt and no real purpose will be served for it. I'd go after this thing myself but he knows me and shapeshifts into something or someone else when I'm around, he doesn't know you or buffy. and it has to be buffy. We can't just send you out to get hurt or killed. I don't care "What that woman says"..Angel concluded, I could tell he didn't like her any more than Gles or Ethan did.

I knodded dropping the subject as I walked over to a small chair as I sat on it in indian style trying to do the excercises my watcher had taught me, how to channel my strength and control it, I was alittle nervous about conjuring things from my thoughts, it seemed still a bit above me. and the last time I'd done it, she'd gotten mad so I'd decided to stick with something I knew I could do. nobody said anything else to me the rest of the morning or afternoon. Angel stayed closeby as well as ethan, ethan was pacing, starting to get concerned, buffy had been sent out about an hour ago to patrol, fullheartedly knowing what she was hunting and she hadn't returned yet", Neither had my watcher. but nobody had said much about her. neither me or my friends took kindly to being threatened but I could tell that ethan was worried, people don't just dissapear..he said loud enough for everyone to hear as giles for the first time spoke to him as if he looked at him with alittle bit more respect than he had for him afew minutes ago but it was only because this was a situation and there were people missing, he was putting their personal problems behind him, I could tell that.

"They do on the hellmouth", I don't like that woman but she's been gone all day. you can't just rush off on the hellmouth..and buffy..If anything happens to her..Anything. I'm holding that woman responsible..Giles sounded and I could feel and hear his rage and worry both equally as I stopped with my routine and paid attention seeing angel sitting down at the table, Brooding. he was worried as well but he wasn't pacing or growling like the two british guys were..his was a technique he'd homed for atleast a century, maybe even longer, he hadn't said anything for hours.

"I'm sure buffy is fine", she is a very capable girl ripper",it's that woman I'm concerned about not that I like her much but she is willow's watcher and our only link to the witches' Council in London,and this demon is unpredictable..Ripper,if she's gone,I

Automatically became appointed to be her watcher instead of her overseer..I just don't have a good feeling about this..I heard him say as he pulled a small bottle of brandy out of his right coat pocket", Brandy",anyone? he asked in more of lighter disposition if not cocky".

I saw as giles snarled his way, but he didn't say anything. but a look was all you would need to tell that giles thought his comment was innopropriate. but giles' and my thoughts were interrupted as buffy rushed in out of breath, she wore a small leapard skin sweater that convered not very much and matching pants, I recalled giles saying that someone could mistake her for a wild animal..she'd rolled her eyes saying that he had no clue about fashion today with all of the tweed he wore...he'd snickered, I'd thought at the time he had a comeback but he must've kept it to himself.

She was out of breath,though and it must've been one hell of fight, their was welts on both of her cheeks and she seemed a bit pale as if this demon was too much for her to handle, as if it was beyond her and if I would've went I would've been killed like Giles' and Angel had said..Angel didn't say much but what he did say was blunt and to the point.

Standing up from where he was seated on the table angel looked her way with a flicker of convern and worry, yet rage that she'd been late.

"What the hell happened to you"? he demanded as I was curious about the same but deep within myself I knew that it had been this demon, this demon that my watcher had wanted her to face, giles had said that he didn't think she was ready, that a demon of this stature back when it was imprisoned in a small box of of wood built blind nuns and mute chinese munks, it had taken two slayers atleast to capture it, three to kill it. and three slayers..that was rare. there had been buffy that giles had siad he recalled..and Kendra..but now that Kendra was dead. Nobody knew. and buffy seemed to be out of it. It didn't appear to be a fair fight.

"Yes", What happened",Buffy? I could hear giles' repeat in a nicer tone than Angel had".

"I don't know", she told us as she walked in further shutting the door behind her gently as we could now see the bruises on her hands and how she walked timidly, aching from a fight she'd had with a demon she shouldn't have been sent against in the first place.

I watched as Angel's expression took on a more softness as giles took over the conversation.

"I knew it", I knew it..We should've never listened to that watcher. she was crazy to want you to go out there. To fight some demon we didn't know anything about..some demon that three slayers killed and trapped in a box..I don't like this. and do know why...giles began but was interrupted by angel as I sat curious and worried about my best friend, taking in every bit of information that I could hear.

"Chances are if three slayers had to trap it in a box", it was too powerful for buffy. "Where is that Watcher",Anyway..? she just tells buffy to go out there and fight this thing, she expected willow to go with her and then she just dissapears as if it's nothing. she didn't even prepare willow or buffy for this. she shouldn't have been out there patrolling tonight. Angel roared as buffy smirked with amazement".

"thanks", but I think we already got that"..I heard buffy chant back as if him caring for her pleased her in some way even though they weren't dating anymore, it always nice to know a guy cared for you..maybe that was the only reason I'd done that spell before on Xander..To know that I wasn't just an old girl he cared about once, that I was still in his heart. I didn't hate cordelia as much as I said I did, I was jealous. Always jealous, before I was jealous of buffy,and now cordy. in the long run, I just wanted Xander for myself. but he'd been cold and very distant lately, after since the effects had worn off and he'd had his own free will to do as he pleased, it was as if I had some disease and he couldn't talk to me. it hurt badly. I'd apologized a million times but it didn't seem to matter. I hoped he would forgive me..I thought with tears hidden deep inside".

"Maybe"..uhh..Maybe we should get you to the doctor. you're hurt pretty bad. Giles began as I agreed, buffy was wabbling around and I could see the bruises and scrapes on her arms and her face..but she would have none of that.

"Look", I know your feeling bad because you sent me out there but reality check, I went. and you didn't know how powerful that demon was. Willows' watcher did, I'm just glad that willow didn't go with me..I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to her..but I"m fine. I don't need to see a doctor..I'm the slayer and I'll heal, I heal quick,remember. buffy told us as giles' knodded but I could tell that he didn't want to side with her and agree, he wanted her to see a doctor, but he agreed because he knew that she wouldn't go anyway, there was no reason to argue, especially right now, and the watcher was still missing, they wouldn't get really angry with her..NOt until they knew she was safe and that could fully be mad. She could be hurt for all they knew.

"I think your a fool",Your not Supergirl buffy..You should go to the doctor..Angel told her as I agreed, she looked terrible".

"Says who"? You? I'll be fine. you'll see..Tomorrow I'll be as good as new. I heal faster. you of all people should know that, you do,too..Buffy told angel as I was curious as to where my watcher was as Angel got the sudden idea for him to do a patrol mission, not to fight but to find this watcher..he wanted to take willow and buffy with him, saying that as long as I was with them, there would be no harm, A slayer and a vampire against a demon would be okay..I could tell angel thought that I should get out a while, and he was still wanting to get buffy to go the hospital and I could tell that he was beginning to get on her nerves.

I followed, not really wanting to. this thing nearly put buffy in the hospital and all of a sudden now I was out there with her and Angel but they were powerful, I was safe with them and truly, I did want to find my watcher, no matter if she'd been cruel to me or put buffy in danger. she was still a human being. It was important that we find her..I thought to myself following them on a similiar route through the cemetary, where buffy usually patrolled".

I could hear as buffy and Angel started to bicker about how they both fought, angel thought his technique was better and buffy thought hers was, not meaning it this way but I thought they were acting childish, they were getting on m nerves.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch.4 Assessing the situation We'd been walking for what had seemed like hours but had just been afew minutes, I'd never walked through the graveyard with buffy and Angel and there not be one attack, the demon seemed to be gone..but his damage wasn't forgotten and it had nothing to do with buffy, stepping over alittle ways from a old beloved grave statue of an Angel, right under a tree laid my watcher, blood was everywhere, her skin was so white,and her body seemed to have been twisted and several directions by a force more powerful than her, I'd never seen someone I knew dead, other than Jesse. but that was different. He'd been turned into a vampire and then dusted, but this was a real dead body. and it kind of freaked me out, i hadn't liked my watcher but I hadn't exactly hated her, nobody deserved this. not even someone as bossy and cruel as she'd been to me. I had known that it could be a possiblity, to find her dead, or injured but I hadn't thought it would happen, I suppose that I had been wrong.

I could see the shocked and horrified expression on buffy's face, as she took a step back, I was realizing that she'd never lost anyone she'd known like this, it had all been Vampirism, not an actual death. Since buffy was somewhat out of it Angel decided it was up to him to take charge as usual as he took his cell phone out and dialed a number, I hadn't even thought he had a cell phone. I could hear him talking and by what he was saying, to me it sounded like he was talking to giles..Or Ethan..What happened now..What would go on..would I get a new watcher..would this watcher have a proper funeral..I was about to find out what happened next, something giles wouldn't like. he and Ethan had to contact the council. This was a matter for Quentin one of his colleges to decide on. "The ball wasn't in our park anymore",so to say. But I still wandered about everything that was uncertain at the moment.  
It had been a day since we'd found my watchers' body sprawled against an old gravestone in the graveyard and everybody was on edge, even me. nobody knew what was going to happen. Would the watchers' council change their mind and not have me enlisted in the watchers' council, would they just not do anything about it or would they send me another watcher, nobody knew exactly where we went from here, not even giles. but I was trying to be positive as giles spoke on the phone with middle man after middle man until he was finally able to speak to quentin Trevers,himself. that was when everything began to change and I learned how serious everything had gotten.

Angel had even been staying around saying that he was involved and that somebody involved don't just walk away, he didn't think that this was a closed case like buffy and Xander seemed to think, yes, xander was talking to me again, but it wasn't the bliss we'd had before, it was mostly pity because my watcher had been killed but he was starting to make jokes again and I believed that everything was fixed between us, I was hopeful. If I lost Xander's love and trust, I don't know what I'd do.

but not everything was the way it used to be with him, it would take alot of work. but I was glad we were friends again,atleast. I knew that sometimes with things Angel saw things that we failed to see, giles had said that before too. that he'd lived a long time and he knew about people and about the way things work and that we should trust his instincts, for giles didn't think it was over either, it knew the council only too well and they were never not in control of a situation, this was would be a dire issue to them, they'd have to do something and I hadn't realized how serious it was until hearing giles on the phone with Quentin, but I still hadn't realized that me and buffy's lives were about to change, nobody really knows right before there life changes that it will change, it's like a force of a nature, Things change and you have to move with them unless you get dragged along by the current. it was just like the water and I guess you could say I was nervous, I knew something was going to happen and alittle of what angel had said had gotten me to wonder, buffy had gone on to angel how he was scaring me but he was just being honest, I didn't want everybody to treat me like I was a fragile little girl, I could handle things, afterall, I hadn't the council sent me a watcher because I wasn't so fragile afterall..Buffy was just a best friend who didn't want to see me hurt and Xander saw that this thing killed my watcher and hurt buffy and he'd met the council before, he just wanted me to be safe, I didn't know if he actually believed that this would be a closed case, but he was trying to.

"Yes",Quentin. I appreciate your side of this..I understand what position your in. but for god's sake, this is not their fault. that "Watcher", Sent Buffy out in battle without preparing her, she sent her on a death mission, she'd wanted willow to go with her but I wouldn't allow it, I couldn't stop buffy, she is the slayer and she was driven to fight this thing..but You cannot put my girls' in charge of what happened, if you want to point a finger, point it at the dead watcher..I heard giles growl as I'd never heard him so angry, I knew that he and quentin didn't always get along, I'd heard phone conversations before, but this time something was different, his demeaner was. I could tell that Angel was right, there was something different happening, and giles didn't like what he was hearing from the watchers' council, that was for sure.

"I don't care who you lay the blame on", it's you that runs the council and is you all of the watchers' answer. You would blame another man saying that he was above you, you can do what you want..you don't answer to me..I heard once more as it appeared giles wasn't getting anywhere with his ranting".

"Fine",I'll tell the girls so their aware. I can't believe you would do this. I always thought you deserved a certain percentage of Honor and understanding for the position you hold..but no more. your no different than the other killers that you set out on the streets..it's business Now,Quentin..I heard giles growl as the phone sounded, being hung up as I looked his direction, Angel was talking to buffy, telling her that he didn't think they'd just drop all of their hard work, people in power didn't just give up..Xander just kept to him in a corner as cordelia was telling him about some new cheer, he looked about bored out of his mind but I'd promised to stay out of their love lives..I spose I couldn't blame them for that, I'd almost destroyed their relationship, cordy wouldn't forgive me, but I wasn't so worried about her..Xander was coming around, we were starting to be like we used to be again and I was so happy about that..he was my best friend in the entire world, I'd known him my entire life and what did Cordy expect anyway, We were childhood sweethearts. but I knew I wasn't being stupid by putting it that way, that didn't make my actions right..it only proved that I didn't want anybody to have Xander but me and I still felt that way, that was why I was keeping my distance when everyone coupled up, and Oz had even said that he thought it best that we take a break, he wasn't mad but he'd said that it was time for me to choose who I truly wanted to be with and if it wasn't him, than this was a waste of time from the start", I'd never heard oz put so many words together at once..but he was right, if we didn't feel the same about eachother, then maybe this thing was doomed from the start.

But I loved Oz, Oz was my first love, other than Xander ofcourse. but I didn't want any part of this if it wasn't true love. I just couldn't believe it was over, even though Oz kept saying that it was a break and it didn't mean that it was over, I knew that it was, when people took breaks they drifted apart, Buffy took a break from angel and now they were just friends..and they bickered and argued about everything. I didn't want to be just friends with Oz, I guess you could say I wanted it all, but I knew now that I couldn't have Xander and Oz,both. I had to choose. and Xander had cordelia..Oz was right, If I had to think this much about if I truly wanted to be with him, maybe we didn't belong together in the first place..

I saw as giles hung the phone up turning his eyes to me and buffy, angel wasn't even listening. he knew that something like this would've happened, he liked to think he knew more than we believed he did, afterall he'd lived a long time. he'd seen how things worked..atleast that's the speech he gave to me and buffy all of the time recently. But I could tell that what giles had to tell us was serious so I stopped with my thoughts of personal problems and decided to pay attention to what giles had to say, afterall. I owed him that with everything I'd put him through in these last few weeks, even Ethan who had been sipping a bottle of brandy with delight was all ears at the moment.

I just got off of the phone with Quentin Trevers at the watchers' council and he has informed me that in light of everything that has happened and people that we have lost, he thinks it would be best if he and a group of watchers..three from the watchers' council and three from the witches council, including himself come to assess the situation, he's going to test the both of you afterall now what happened lays in our laps and the watchers' council is taking none of the blame..I'm sorry but they are blaming us. If he finds you unstable or not able to do what you were born to do, it could be my job. giles told us trying to be more professional but he could lose his job, I never thought he could truly lose his job. I didn't want that..who would. but giles didn't say anything more on the subject, buffy looked as if she'd just swallowed a sour lemon..and Angel was trying to make light of it, saying that we had to expect they'd want to come and figure out what happened..Afterall, their watcher they sent out to help was killed. but giles somehow knew more than that, there was a disgusted and worried expression on his face..A look I didn't like too much.

Buffy took the words right out of my mouth as she stepped forward away from angel as Ethan was still drinking his brandy and make quipts about the watchers' council and what happens when "They", take care of business, anyone with eyes could tell that Ethan Rayne was drunk.

"There's more", isn't there? buffy demanded to giles as I was glad she was asking him, the look on his face made me worried too, there was something more, I could feel it. giles wouldn't argue with his boss just because they were coming out there to figure things out, there had to be more to the story..I told myself a bit confused".

Giles didn't look shocked by buffy's question, it had appeared like giles had been expecting it, I could tell by the expression on his face although I didn't see him breaking , not now. there was more going on and he wasn't ready to share.  
"Buffy", Not now. he said out of breath and tired, not physically tired, but emotionally drained from all that had happened", I couldn't believe this. there was more.."Was this my fault"? I wandered".

it couldn't be. the watcher was supposed to prepare me for bigger things, this couldn't be my fault. but if the watchers' council thought that, maybe they were in the right and not the other way around.  
But I tried to understand the position they were in even though I couldn't. they were business people and I was just a kid with a power I couldn't control, me and buffy were now one and the same like I'd wanted and I was happy about that, but having a death on my shoulders, I was less happy about. even if she was mean and hadn't been the nicest person I'd known. But I could tell that there was something else with giles, something that would upset both me and buffy and she wasn't just letting it go like he wanted her too, it wasn't buffy's way. if you knew her you'd known that.  
"Giles", this is as much my problem as it is yours..maybe even more,so. Why won't you tell me. if it has to do with me and Willow, Don't we have a right to know? I heard buffy demand and by the expression on Giles' face, she was making him even more Angry now and he was about to blow in her face,she was really testing his patience..I'd never seen the side of giles that Ethan called",Ripper,before..Was that what this side was called? I wandered to myself.  
"Buffy", I've told you time and time again that I will share things with you on a need to know basis. Yes", this has to do with you and yes it's big. but i"m not ready to tell you and you will listen to me, I am your watcher. It isn't like a demon or a Vampire..So just let me deal with this for now..Giles demanded as I never saw buffy so defeated but she didn't say anything more, she just rolled her eyes with irritation because she hadn't gotten what she wanted and sat back down next to Angel and me..I didn't know now but when we were away he'd tell Angel..he'd tell angel before he'd tell us. it would later upset buffy but there was a reason, and we all knew it too well. Angel knew how to deal with things in a panicky situation, he was what Giles liked to call a true leader..even though he was a vampire.  
That night I had the most terrible dream and for once it had nothing to do with magic, it was about that Watcher and it was all my fears that came to life that made me believe that I was to blame for her death, no matter how awful she had been and how it had been her fault buffy had been attacked by that awful demon she hadn't prepared her for, I would've gotten hurt too if I would've listened to what she did, Right now I was glad I'd listened to giles. but that didn't take away my guilt. A part of me hated magic because it was the spells that had brought her here and if she would've never came, she wouldn't be dead now, but I couldn't hate the magic. A part of me was one with it..it was inside of me now, and I knew when I said that it was inside of me, that meant forever. and it scared me because this power defined me, but it made me feel adventurous too because finally, I was like buffy. "I had a prupose", I was Chosen.  
Upon waking up in the morning I felt different, I didn't know what it was. maybe it was the beautiful day outside or the fact that I was a part of a greater power now, or maybe it was the fact that sometime today I'd have my first test from the watchers' Council, Just like buffy did. But I'd heard what buffy said about them and I didn't want to believe that their awful and cruel people, they had to be like giles..but then again my watcher hadn't been like giles, maybe they all believed the way she had..but giles respected Quentin, maybe he was a good man..I thought as I quickly got dressed in a blue and green sweater, with a picture of a pink teddy bear on the front and a black blue jean skirt that went all the way down to my ankles with matching Sandles.  
My parents were on a business trip and they'd be back sometimes tonight, I wandered if they knew about this. although I was sure they'd find out, nothing stayed a mistery in a town like Sunnydale. and my father wasn't the type of man to pretend that certain things didn't exist like most of the town did. he knew his fair share of stories and he knew that some of the stories people told were truth, he believed in the supernatural, that still shocked me.

I'd hurried out the door walking to school as it was a nice peaceful walk as sounds of birds chirping made the morning seem radiant and beautiful but I was pulled out of that beautiful statis I 'd been in once I stepped into the library in Sunnydale High seeing everyone sitting around except now there was a bunch of british guys from england taking over the library and demanding that there wants be at the top of the list. they all looked the same to me, Although I wasn't shocked when giles' introduced Mr. Quintin Trevers to me, he was a stout,older looking man with a knowledge about him, but i could tell that for the most part he was about the business of the council and Slayers..but he seemed nice enough, even nicer than my watcher had been but still quite too british for me. buffy scoffed at their prim and proper attitudes,I could tell that she didn't want to be here..She looked at them as a threat, at that moment I didn't understand, it would soon be an understanding of why buffy thought so less of the council and so much of Giles.

I could see that giles was already in a bad mood and Angel was in a corner reading a book of sonnets and smiling because some watcher was threatening to stick a steak through his heart, smiling because he didn't think he had it in him. I'd heard angel say to buffy.."He's just a baby".

Sometimes I wished everyone could have an Angel. he was so cool. I envied buffy when she was dating him so much because he'd been so brave and he'd chosen her..and nobody had wanted or even cared about me until Oz and I ruined everything, I believe i hated myself for that.  
I recall telling buffy that one day and she laughed saying that she'd never seen somebody look up to anybody so innocently yet niave, she said that angel was one of the good guys and that she'd never love anyone like she loved him but I could hear it over again", Nobodys' perfect",Will. she'd say.

Although today Angel looked just as concerned as giles did but nobody questioned it but by the looks buffy gave giles I got the feeling that they'd already had a talk about this and that it hadn't been pleasant, she was the slayer and she'd been kept in the dark, instead giles had trusted Angel with the truth instead of her and he still wouldn't tell her which infuriated her more, I knew that I was niave and innocent but I'm sure Giles had his reasons.

giles then told us to wait where we were and then he led Quentin and acouple other guys into his office to talk privately, acouple of the remaining watchers just stood near a book case going over reading material that this library didn't have and saying it was a disgrace to American Literature, I had wondered,"What did they care", they weren't american..I thought to myself as buffy must've been thinking the same thing, for she scoffed with amusement although nobody noticed, or maybed they did but her being the slayer carried alot of weight. maybe they were trained to be orderly and calm at all times. that was it, I told myself.

"Don't worry", they don't want anything to do with us. they've been talking to giles for hours. it's him they want. afterall, they blame us but he's in charge of us and they can't place blame on your watcher, she's the reason their here anyway, their threatening him and soon they'll be threatening us, don't take it personally, there monsters...Buffy told me as I knodded but I didn't believe every word she said, I thought that there was a reason that people acted the way they did, nobody was truly bad unless they weren't human..but I'd learn that the council did alot of things that weren't ethical and proper and they could get away with it because they were "the council", none of them were truly like Giles..Even Quentin who wasn't as bad, just more business. Maybe there was some good to be seen in Quentin afterall, maybe he wasn't like the rest of the council, Could it be that I was right. I thought wondering if it could be so.

For afew minutes there was nothing but arguing and bickering coming from giles' office, even the other watchers turned their heads to notice, but angel didn't sway from his sweat by the door reading his sonnets, Either he didn't hear or he was pretending not to hear, he had to hear,though..Nobody could just block that out..I thought to myself with humor.  
"notice how steady and focused he is", like a real artist at work..buffy mocked angel's focused mind that was set on anything but the matter at hand but he knew something, me and buffy both knew that..maybe that was why he was quietly reading in the corner like this wasn't in his area of expertise.

Soon the bickering quieted down and Quentin and another watcher followed giles' out of the room, giles pointed towards the door telling quentin that he wanted him and the rest of them gone, he was angry, redfaced..and furious and he meant what he said, I'd never seen giles so mad before, not even when I'd lied to him..and buffy must've been thinking the same thing because the look on her face said everything and for the first time Angels' head came up and away from his book as if he'd expected this to happen by some reason we had no knowledge of.

Angel looked out the window enough to see that it had been hours of wating, hours of speculation over what the council wanted and now the sun had went down and for some reason he had an urge to leave, he made some excuse like the streets weren't safe and he had to be there in case something unexpected happened and if I didn't buy it, surely buffy didn't either. buffy giles knodded as if this had been a plan between the two of them, yet angel still seemed confused like he didn't know the whole story and what they'd been arguing about had changed everything, I just waved silently, but buffy glared from Angel..Back to giles, as if he'd betraying her leaving her to face this alone, whatever it was. but he was giving us space..Angel wouldn't betray her like that for no reason at all. Afterall..he was a good man..I thought to myself even though I knew it sounded foolish and stupid..yes, he was a good man and yes, he did have a soul and wanted to help people..but maybe I was putting him up on too much of a pedestal. but I didn't care at the moment, although I could just hear buffy laugh if she ever overheard me talking, you'd think that Angel truly was an Angel.

I sat down at one of the wooden tables meant for studying as buffy joined me, Xander had been off with Cordelia and giles seemed glad as if this had nothing to do with them when in the long run it would.

"What is it"? I knew you kept something from us yesterday and I know that this is part of it and the council did something to shame you again so spill..What is it? We do deserve the truth..You should've told us first and not Angel..He's been acting weird all day and I think that it's your fault..So? Buffy demanded as I was just as eager to learn as she was".

"I'm sorry I have to keep things from you but the situation warranted it and yes", I have to tell you know because Quentin has just confirmed my worries and alot is going to change, for instance me. He's deporting me back to England. I have no say in the matter. I have to pack..he began but I was sure he wasn't finished, I knew there was alot more where that came from so I was waiting and listening but buffy was full of questions,"What?! they just deported you out of nowhere. there just going to take you back to england and give me another watcher..Just like that.."How can they"? their must be something that we can do..Buffy growled as I was just as furious as she was but I was waiting for him to finish, we both knew that there was more, much more.

"Not exactly", and No, there's nothing we can do. the council is powerful buffy. they can do what they want. their the reason I'm here so ofcourse they can make me leave but there's more. your not getting another watcher and I don't like this anymore than you or willow are going to like it but it isn't just me that is being punished, the council blames the two of you for the watchers' death, and for the demon getting lose..and they don't like that you are so dependant on Angel so they've made arrangements for you to be taken to England..There's a special school..A Slayers' Academy for you buffy..and Witches' Academy for you willow..their forcing our hand on this one and they want the both of you under observant eyes, even ethan has to leave..Giles explained to us, I couldn't believe what I was hearing and buffys' mouth was wide open in shock, but not the good kind of shock".

"They can't do that",We're kids. We're not just some object that can be shipped from here to there. my mother won't like this. she won't let you and your team watchers take us away, not like this. and what kind of school is it. a school that'll drain what's left of a normal life.."I hate this", I wish willow would've never found the magics. this wouldn't be happening if she wouldn't have screwed up..buffy roared as she raced out leaving me behind feeling terrible, not that I didn't understand, I felt the same way..I didn't want to leave..but they blamed her as much as they blamed me..Maybe having powers and being "Special", wasn't as wonderful as I had it out to being in my mind". 


End file.
